Every family tree has its odd branch. Some are just a little quirkier than others.
If you’ve landed here, you might be wrestling with how to describe a narcissistic parent to your children, partner, or friends—without sounding like you’re narrating a daytime soap opera or, worse, badmouthing someone you’d rather not.
Tricky? Yes. Impossible? Not at all.
The Elephant in the Living Room
Everyone has a relative who manages to make every conversation about themselves before you can say “pass the salt.”
When this behaviour drifts from garden-variety self-importance to something more persistent—think needing constant admiration, lacking empathy, and turning every minor disagreement into World War III—you may find yourself dealing with a narcissist.
Of course, “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot these days, but there’s a big difference between someone who occasionally loves their own reflection and someone with narcissistic traits that impact everyone around them.
The trick is, how to acknowledge these traits when your child (or anyone else, really) asks tricky questions, and you’d rather not throw anyone under the proverbial bus.
Focus on Behaviours, Not Labels
Handing out psychological diagnoses at the dinner table isn’t going to help anyone. (And unless you’re a psychiatrist with a penchant for family drama, it’s probably best avoided.) Instead, talk about specific behaviours.
For example, instead of saying, “Grandma is a narcissist,” try, “Sometimes Grandma finds it hard to listen to other people’s feelings.
She likes to talk about herself a lot, which can make it tricky for others to share.”
Notice what’s missing? No grand declarations, no dramatic labels. Just an honest description of what’s happening.
Stick to What Your Child Sees and Feels
Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for. If an adult consistently interrupts them, dismisses their feelings, or always insists on getting their way, your child will pick up on it.
You don’t need to give a TED Talk on narcissism. A simple, “I noticed you felt upset when Grandpa didn’t let you finish your story.
That can feel really frustrating,” validates their experience without pointing fingers.
Naming the feeling, rather than the person, keeps things neutral. It also helps children build emotional vocabulary—a gift that keeps on giving.
Keep It Developmentally Appropriate
The way you discuss a tricky family member with a four-year-old is going to look very different to how you’d discuss it with a teenager.
Little ones don’t need the full psychological inventory. Teenagers, on the other hand, may be ready for more nuanced discussions about relationships, boundaries, and even personality traits.
They may have already Googled “Why is Grandpa so self-centred?” and be halfway through a Wikipedia article.
For young children, simple language works best: “Sometimes Grandma forgets to take turns talking.” For older kids, you can add, “Some people find it hard to see things from someone else’s point of view.”
If you’re dealing with a teen who’s spotted the signs, you might gently discuss narcissism as a personality trait, steering well clear of diagnostic territory.
Validate Without Villainizing
It’s tempting—especially after your parent has just steamrolled your child’s birthday party—to launch into a tirade about selfishness and emotional immaturity.
Resist the urge. Instead, offer empathy for everyone involved, including the narcissistic parent. “I can see you felt hurt when Grandma didn’t seem interested in your drawing.
Sometimes, adults have a hard time focusing on other people. It doesn’t mean your art isn’t wonderful.”
This approach lets your child feel seen, but doesn’t cast anyone as the family villain. Everyone gets to keep their dignity, at least what’s left after that party incident.
Teach Boundaries (Without a Lecture)
Boundaries are a tricky concept—even for adults. When living with or around a narcissistic parent, they become essential.
Model boundaries in small, visible ways. If Grandpa interrupts, you might calmly say, “I’d like to finish what I was saying, and then I’m happy to listen.”
Later, explain to your child, “Sometimes, we need to remind people to take turns.”
Children learn from watching us handle awkward situations. Actions speak volumes, and you don’t need a PowerPoint presentation to get the message across.
Use Stories and Analogies
Sometimes, the best way to explain complex behaviour is by borrowing from the classics.
Not every child is ready for Freud, but many can understand the story of someone who always wants to be the centre of attention or who doesn’t like to share.
Think of the “me, me, me” character in their favourite cartoon, or the friend who never listens. Tie it back to real life gently: “Some people, like that character, find it hard to listen or share. That can happen with grown-ups, too.”
Stories take the sting out of the conversation, making it easier for children to digest without feeling they need to take sides.
Practice Compassion (for Yourself, Too)
Putting on a brave face for your children is exhausting—especially when you’re the emotional referee at family gatherings.
It’s okay to acknowledge this is hard. You’re not failing if you feel frustrated, sad, or even angry. Children benefit from seeing their parents handle tough emotions with honesty and self-compassion.
Consider saying, “I find it tough when Grandma doesn’t ask about my day, too. It can help to talk about it together.”
This opens the door for children to share their own feelings and reminds everyone that even adults have tricky relatives.
Don’t Sugarcoat—But Don’t Overshare
Finding the middle ground is a bit like walking a tightrope over a pit of Lego: possible, but not exactly comfortable.
Glossing over the behaviour isn’t helpful—children know when something’s off. On the flip side, turning dinnertime into a group therapy session probably isn’t ideal either.
Aim for honesty without overexplaining. “Sometimes people act in ways that make us feel invisible. We can talk about it if you need to,” covers a lot of ground without inviting unnecessary drama.
Offer Safe Outlets for Tough Feelings
Repeated experiences with a self-absorbed adult can leave children (and adults) frustrated and confused.
Encourage your child to express those feelings through drawing, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend.
If you see signs of deeper struggles—persistent sadness, withdrawal, or anger—consider connecting with a mental health professional. The Child Mind Institute has great resources for families dealing with challenging personalities.
You’re not alone in this; sometimes it just takes a bit of trial and error (and maybe a few biscuits) to find what works for your family.
When Questions Get Pointed
At some point, your child might ask outright: “Why does Grandma never listen? Why is she so mean sometimes?” These are loaded questions, and your answer can set the tone for years to come.
Try: “Some people have a hard time thinking about others’ needs. It’s not your fault, and you deserve to be listened to.” Short, honest, and supportive.
You’re teaching your child that difficult behaviour is about the other person, not them. That’s a gift that will serve them in every relationship, now and in the future.
Support Your Own Mental Health
Living with, or being in regular contact with, a narcissistic parent can be draining. Self-care isn’t just for spa days—it’s about acknowledging your own emotional needs.
Check in with yourself. Do you need to limit contact? Set firmer boundaries? Seek outside support?
You’re allowed to protect your wellbeing, and this models healthy behaviour for your child.
If you notice your own patience wearing thin, get backup. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a therapist, or an online support group, having someone to vent to (out of earshot of little ones) can make all the difference.
Celebrate Small Wins
Every time you manage to explain a difficult behaviour without resorting to name-calling or dramatic sighing, count that as a victory.
Did you keep your cool when your parent dismissed your child’s feelings? Win.
Did your child come to you to talk about a difficult interaction, rather than bottling it up? Double win.
Raising emotionally intelligent children in less-than-ideal family circumstances is hard work. You’re doing something amazing, even if it feels like you’re muddling through.
You’re Not Alone, Even When It Feels That Way
Plenty of families have a narcissistic parent (or two) in the mix. You’re not the only one trying to balance honesty, compassion, and a dash of self-preservation.
By focusing on behaviours, validating feelings, and teaching boundaries, you’re giving your child tools to handle difficult people—inside and outside the family.
Take a breath, pour another cup, and remember: You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough.
