Some parenting challenges make you want to hide in the pantry with your emergency chocolate stash.
Co-parenting with a narcissist? That’s a double-choc-chip, extra-frosting situation.
It’s draining, it’s relentless, and sometimes you feel like you’re starring in a soap opera you never auditioned for.
But here’s the good news: You’re not alone, your children can thrive, and there are things you can do—today, between laundry loads and bedtime stories—to help them weather this storm.
Spot the Red Flags Without Making It a Game
Narcissists aren’t just garden-variety stubborn; they often manipulate, gaslight, and put their own needs above everyone else’s—including their children’s.
The tough bit? Kids don’t always spot these behaviours for what they are.
One parent is showering them with gifts and praise one moment, giving them the cold shoulder the next. Confusing? Absolutely.
Dr. Karyl McBride, an expert in this field, explains in her acclaimed book Will I Ever Be Free of You? that children living with a narcissistic parent often struggle with self-esteem and boundaries.
They might blame themselves for the chaos or try to become the “perfect” kid who never rocks the boat.
Your first job? Notice the patterns, not just the outbursts.
If your ex regularly dismisses your child’s feelings (“Stop being dramatic, you’re fine!”), loves bombarding them with attention (and then withdrawing it), or uses them to dig for information about your life—those are classic signs.
Quietly validate your child’s experience without turning it into a witch hunt.
Build a Safe Emotional Harbour at Home
Your home can be the soft place your child lands when the outside world feels unpredictable. Predictability is key.
Regular routines, honest conversations, and a calm presence work wonders. (No one’s calm all the time, but a cup of tea and a deep breath can work miracles.)
Children with a narcissistic parent need more than the usual dose of unconditional love. They need to feel that their feelings matter and that they’re not responsible for the moods of grown-ups.
Phrases like, “I can see you’re upset; it’s okay to feel that way,” act like emotional bubble wrap. You’re not fixing the problem, but you’re showing them they’re not alone in it.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula suggests grounding techniques for moments when children come home overwhelmed—like naming five things they can see, four things they can touch, and so on.
This simple mindfulness trick grounds them in the here and now.
Model Healthy Boundaries Without the Drama
Boundaries. The word alone can make you feel like you need a nap. But for children co-parenting with a narcissist, healthy boundaries are their invisible shield.
These don’t need to be rigid or confrontational. Kids learn by watching, and you’re their best teacher (even if you never signed up for that lesson plan).
Set limits kindly but firmly. If your ex tries to call during your family dinner every night, don’t pick up. You can respond: “We’re having dinner right now—Jasper will call you back at 7.”
No need to get drawn into yet another argument. Your child learns: It’s okay to say no, and it’s okay to protect your time.
It’s tempting to “over-explain” boundaries to your child, but keep it simple. “Sometimes people need breaks from each other. That’s healthy.” You’re giving them permission to protect their own space as they grow.
Don’t Fall Into the “He Said, She Said” Trap
Narcissists thrive on drama and confusion.
You might notice your ex twisting the truth, blaming you for everything from the weather to the toothpaste running out. They might even tell your child stories with more spin than a waltzing top.
Here’s where you can shine: Resist the urge to defend yourself endlessly. Children, especially as they get older, see through the noise. If your child comes to you with something outlandish (“Mum, Dad said you took my school books to punish him!”), take a breath.
Respond kindly, “That’s not quite what happened. If you’re ever confused, you can always ask me or talk to your teacher.”
Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist specialising in high-conflict divorces, recommends validating your child’s feelings (“That sounds upsetting”) without trash-talking the other parent. Keep your explanations short and truthful. Less is more.
Encourage Open Conversations—Not Interrogations
You want to know everything. Is your ex playing mind games? Did they say something hurtful?
It’s natural to want answers, but grilling your child for information turns them into messengers—and that’s not fair.
Instead, create a space where your child feels safe sharing (or not sharing) as much as they want. Mealtimes, walks, bedtime routines—these are golden opportunities.
Ask open questions like, “Anything fun happen at Dad’s today?” Don’t push for details. Listen more than you speak.
If something upsetting comes up, respond with curiosity, not panic. “That sounds tough. How did that make you feel?” Avoid jumping to fix-it mode. Sometimes, a hug and a biscuit do more good than a lecture.
Keep Records—No, It’s Not Paranoia
A narcissistic co-parent may rewrite history, change plans at the last second, or claim you agreed to something you definitely did not. While you don’t want your life to turn into a crime scene drama, keeping a simple record of communication is self-care.
Stick to written communication as much as possible. Texts, emails, and co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or 2houses can both limit direct arguments and offer an easy way to track what’s been agreed.
If things are contentious, jot down notes about any big incidents: sudden changes in visitation, missed pickups, or inappropriate comments.
These aren’t for venting online; they’re your backup if you need support from a solicitor or mediator.
Teach Resilience, Not Perfection
Kids with a narcissistic parent often try to become “perfect” to earn approval. Since they can’t control the adult’s behaviour, they control themselves—good grades, neat rooms, quiet voices.
The risk? They become little perfectionists, always anxious about making mistakes.
Remind your children that it’s okay to mess up. Share stories from your own childhood—yes, even the one where you put on odd socks for a week. Celebrate effort, not just results.
If your child feels safe failing, they’ll grow up braver than you ever dared.
Research from the University of Washington shows that resilience isn’t a trait, it’s a skill. When you praise your child’s effort in the face of setbacks, you’re helping them build an emotional toolkit they’ll use their whole lives.
Get Support for Yourself—It’s Not Selfish
Parenting with a narcissist is exhausting, and you need a place to vent, cry, and occasionally swear (quietly, into your pillow). Support groups, whether online or in-person, can remind you you’re not the only one navigating this mess.
Therapists specialising in high-conflict divorces, such as those found through Psychology Today’s directory, can help you process the drama, set boundaries, and model healthy coping skills for your kids.
Don’t forget your own circle—friends, family, the neighbour with strong tea and even stronger opinions. Your children notice when you care for yourself. You’re teaching them self-care by example, one bubble bath at a time.
Be the Calm in the Storm
When your ex is throwing emotional hand grenades (“The children like my house better—they said so!”), keep your cool. Children crave stability, and you’re their anchor.
This doesn’t mean you have to be robotic. You’re allowed to cry, laugh, and occasionally lock yourself in the loo for a breather.
But when your child is caught in the crossfire, your calm response—“We’re a team, and we’ll get through this together”—helps them feel safe.
If you feel yourself unravelling, try a grounding exercise or take a brisk walk. Modelling emotional regulation is one of the best gifts you can give your child, even if you’re faking it till you make it.
Consider Therapy for Your Child If Needed
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your child needs extra support. Therapists trained in working with children from high-conflict families can provide a neutral space to process tricky emotions.
Look for someone experienced with narcissistic family dynamics. A good therapist won’t take sides but will help your child untangle what’s theirs to carry—and what’s not.
If you’re not sure where to start, ask your paediatrician, school counsellor, or check out resources from the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC).
You’ve Got This
Co-parenting with a narcissist is a marathon—with some hurdles, the odd patch of mud, and the occasional thrown-teddy outburst.
But with empathy, boundaries, and a pinch of dry humour, you’re giving your child what matters most: a loving, steady presence.
Every bedtime story, every honest conversation, every moment when you choose calm over chaos—it all adds up.
You can’t control the other parent, but you can build a world where your child feels seen, supported, and strong enough to handle whatever comes next.
Pass the chocolate, you’re doing brilliantly.
