Ever wish your child would just bounce back from setbacks like those roly-poly toys that never seem to stay down?
Every parent dreams of raising resilient children, the kind who can weather life’s hiccups and hurricanes.
But if you’re putting all your effort into shielding them from every disappointment, you might be setting them up for the opposite result.
Here’s the secret: the one thing that truly gets in the way of resilience isn’t what you might expect.
Why Shielding Kids from Discomfort Backfires
It’s completely understandable. You see your little one struggling, and every instinct screams at you to swoop in and fix it.
A forgotten lunchbox? You break land-speed records to deliver it to school. A playmate says something mean? You’re on the phone to the other parent before your tea goes cold.
All this seems loving—because, well, it is. But when we rush to smooth every bump, our children miss out on the chance to learn those critical bounce-back skills.
Psychologists have a term for this: snowplough parenting (VeryWellMind).
When life gets hard and there’s no one to leap in, these kids can flounder. Anxiety spikes, confidence plummets, and the next hurdle looks even bigger.
What Resilience Actually Looks Like
Resilience isn’t about never feeling sad, angry, or frustrated. It’s about experiencing those feelings, muddling through—or even failing—and realising you’ll survive.
The most resilient people aren’t immune to setbacks; they just know that they’ll get through it, because they have before.
Imagine your child coming home after a rough day, managing to talk about it, and believing tomorrow might be better. That’s resilience in action.
How do children develop this ability? By being allowed to handle life’s little stings on their own, with a steady, supportive presence behind them.
Helicoptering vs. Support: Drawing the Line
No one’s saying you should stand by as your child juggles flaming torches. But there’s a big difference between being a safety net and being a full-time rescue squad.
A helicopter parent hovers, ready to intervene at the first sign of distress. Over time, this teaches children that their discomfort is intolerable, and only Mum or Dad can fix it.
This isn’t just an opinion—research links over-involved parenting to increased anxiety and lower self-reliance.
Supportive parents do something much harder: they wait. They offer comfort, ask questions (“What do you think you should do?”), and let their child try—even if failure is an option. It’s excruciating at first.
But kids who are allowed to struggle a bit end up with stronger emotional muscles.
When ‘Fixing’ Becomes a Habit
It’s easy to fall into automatic rescue mode, especially on busy days when even the smallest meltdown feels like one too many. Maybe you’re running late and just want to avoid one more hurdle.
Small acts add up. If you always step in to tie their shoes because it’s faster, or negotiate with teachers over every bad mark, you send the message: “I don’t think you can handle this.”
That’s never our intention, but children are remarkably perceptive.
Tiny acts of independence—zipping a coat, making a snack, facing a tough conversation—are the training ground for bigger battles. Miss too many, and kids can struggle with self-doubt.
The Art of Allowing Struggle
Letting your child experience struggle isn’t cold-hearted. It’s an act of faith. You’re saying, “I believe you can get through this.”
Start with the small stuff. If your child forgets their PE kit, don’t dash back to school with it. They might get a stern look from the teacher, but next week, they’ll double-check their bag.
If a toy breaks, resist the urge to immediately replace it. Sit with them, empathise, and brainstorm what might help.
Resilience grows when kids learn discomfort isn’t fatal. Each time they get through something difficult, it becomes easier next time.
What To Say Instead of Fixing Everything
It feels awkward at first, but words matter. When your child shares a problem, swap “Let me handle it” for:
- “That sounds tough. What do you think might help?”
- “I know you can figure this out. Want to talk it through?”
- “Do you want my advice, or are you just needing to vent?”
These responses encourage problem-solving and show confidence in your child’s abilities.
Letting them stew for a bit can be surprisingly effective. Children often just need someone to listen—not someone to jump in.
Managing Your Own Discomfort
Often, the urge to protect comes from our own anxiety. Watching your child suffer feels unbearable. You want to scoop them up, wrap them in bubble wrap, and wish away every pain.
It helps to remember: your discomfort isn’t a sign something’s wrong. It means you care.
But it’s not your job to fight every battle on their behalf.
Check in with yourself before intervening. Ask, “Am I stepping in for them, or for me?”
If you’re struggling, you’re not alone.
Every parent has felt the guilt and worry that comes with stepping back. Chatting with other parents or a counsellor can help shift your mindset—there’s strength in numbers (and in tea, obviously).
When to Step In (and When to Hold Back)
Not every situation is a learning opportunity. If genuine harm is on the horizon, children need an adult to step in.
But if the risk is disappointment, embarrassment, or a bruised ego, those are safe places to let them flex their resilience muscles.
If you’re not sure, try the “future self” test: Will this matter in a year? Is this an experience that can help them grow, even if it’s tough right now?
Children can handle much more than we think. And each time they work through a minor struggle, they’re building the confidence to tackle bigger ones later.
Real-Life Resilience Builders for Busy Parents
Between work, siblings, and the endless laundry vortex, you can’t devote hours to resilience-building every day. Good news: small, daily choices make the biggest difference.
- Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities. Let them carry the shopping or feed the pet (even if the dog ends up with a mountain of kibble).
- Encourage risk-taking in safe ways—climbing a bit higher at the park, trying a food they’ve never tasted, introducing themselves to a new friend.
- When things go pear-shaped, avoid immediately offering solutions. Pause, empathise, and give them a moment.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all pain or failure—it’s to help your child know they can survive both.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
Perfection isn’t the goal. Life will throw curveballs their way: exam flubs, friendship drama, maybe even putting petrol in a diesel car (just me?).
Resilient kids become resilient adults, ones who keep going when things get tricky. They grow up knowing that tears dry, mistakes teach, and every challenge isn’t a catastrophe in the making.
And the most powerful way to get there? Stop doing that one thing: rescuing them from every struggle.
Resilience Starts at Home—and It Starts Small
Every time you bite your tongue and watch your child face a sticky moment, you’re building resilience together. It’s a slow process, not a single leap. There will be wobbles, tears, and the odd slammed door (prepare yourself).
But the day will come when your child faces something hard and handles it—maybe not perfectly, but bravely.
That’s the magic moment, and you’ll know deep down: stepping back was the most loving move you could make.
Now, pop the kettle on and give yourself some credit. You’re raising the kind of kid who gets back up. And that’s something worth celebrating.
