Family harmony: the parenting holy grail. Yet, nothing tests your patience quite like refereeing squabbles between siblings who seem to have sworn a lifelong oath of mutual annoyance.
As a parent, you want your kids to love each other (or at least not threaten exile over Lego theft), but some sibling relationships are about as tranquil as a goat in a balloon shop.
Don’t panic. Sibling drama is as old as sharing itself, and you don’t need to turn your home into a therapy retreat or enroll everyone in a group hug bootcamp to make things better.
There are practical, realistic ways to help your children (or help yourself and a grown sibling!) make peace.
1. Encourage Short, Honest Check-Ins
Children, like adults, often bottle up feelings.
Sometimes, what looks like “he’s breathing too loud again” is really “I’m feeling ignored, and the only way I can get noticed is by winding up my sister.”
Setting aside five minutes a week for a sibling check-in works wonders. Keep it low-key—no need to light candles or summon the spirit of Dr. Phil.
Invite your kids to share something they appreciate about each other, plus something that’s been bugging them. Keep the rules simple: no shouting, no blaming, and no interrupting.
For teens, a car ride is often a good opportunity (no eye contact required).
If you’re working on your own adult sibling relationship, a quick text or phone call outside the usual family gatherings can go a long way.
Experts like child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham recommend making this a habit. Over time, feelings get aired before they become nuclear, and siblings start to see each other as actual humans.
2. Teach the Art of the “Do-Over”
It’s amazing how many grievances boil down to a badly timed comment or an eye roll that could launch a thousand ships. Kids (and, let’s face it, plenty of grown-ups) don’t always get it right on the first try.
Normalize the idea of a “do-over.” When tempers flare, offer the chance to reset: “Would you like to try that again in a kinder way?”
This isn’t about forced apologies or making them hug it out on command. It’s about letting both sides fix a clumsy moment before it sits and festers.
Role-play scenarios if needed. “Suppose you’re annoyed your brother borrowed your favourite hoodie without asking—how could you say it differently?”
Parents who model do-overs themselves (cue: “Oops, I snapped at you because I was stressed, can I try that again?”) show kids that everyone gets another shot.
3. Help Siblings Find Common Ground
Nothing unites kids faster than a shared goal. (Especially if snacks are involved.)
Set up situations where siblings need to cooperate—a scavenger hunt, building a fort, a baking challenge with a prize for teamwork, or even teaming up against you in trivia.
For older children, co-manage a project, like helping with a family pet or planning a sibling movie night.
Researchers at Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child found that shared, positive experiences help rewrite negative patterns.
Laughter, creativity, and joint victories can drown out memories of who called whom “smelly” last week.
Struggling with a grown sibling? Try suggesting an activity you both enjoyed as kids, or a new project you can tackle together.
4. Set Boundaries Like a Benevolent Dictator
No one thrives in chaos. A few house rules, calmly enforced, take the guesswork out of what’s allowed.
Spell out your expectations around privacy (“Ask before entering each other’s rooms”), possessions (“Borrowing means asking, not assuming”), and respect (“No insults, even creative ones”).
Be consistent. If someone oversteps, address it swiftly—preferably without launching into a 20-minute sermon about The Importance of Sibling Bonds.
Short and sweet: “That’s not how we treat each other in this house.”
If sibling squabbles turn physical or toxic, step in quickly and separate them to cool off. A firm boundary signals that certain behaviour isn’t up for negotiation.
Family therapist Dr. Adele Faber suggests that clear boundaries, enforced with empathy, help kids feel secure and reduce the urge to provoke each other just to get a reaction.
5. Don’t Play Referee for Every Trivial Dispute
It’s tempting to swoop in like a United Nations peacekeeper every time someone shrieks, “He took my charger!” Resist the urge (unless actual blood or property damage is involved).
Kids need opportunities to work out their conflicts—badly, then better.
Rather than solving every spat, guide them to voice what they want, listen to each other, and brainstorm solutions. Try: “Can you tell your sister how you feel and what you’d like instead?” or “What’s a fair way to share the last Tim Tam?”
If the negotiation devolves into name-calling, separate them and try again later. Your role: coach, not courtroom judge.
Research shows that kids who are encouraged to problem-solve build stronger conflict resolution skills—and rely less on Mum or Dad to step in.
6. Give Each Child Their Own Space and Identity
Comparison is the thief of sibling peace. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” is the shortest route to lifelong grudges.
Celebrate their differences. Create opportunities for each child to shine in their unique way, whether that’s stacking blocks, reciting dinosaur names, or composing interpretive dance routines in the lounge.
Physical space matters too. Even in small homes, a drawer, shelf, or basket that’s just for one child’s treasures can help reduce turf wars.
Respecting privacy (even among young kids) teaches respect for boundaries.
If you’re healing things with an adult sibling, acknowledge the different paths you’ve taken.
Share pride and curiosity about each other’s interests, rather than competing over who nailed the potato salad at last year’s family barbecue.
7. Model Forgiveness and Letting Grudges Go
Siblings have long memories—just ask anyone who’s still hearing about the time they “ruined” someone’s birthday cake in 2009.
Demonstrate how to move on from old injuries. Share stories from your own life: “My brother and I once didn’t speak for a week after he broke my cassette tape, but later we realised it wasn’t worth it.”
Apologize openly when you mess up. Show that forgiveness is a strength, not a white flag.
Encourage rituals for closure if needed. Write a funny “truce” note, have a symbolic handshake, or—if all else fails—let them pelt each other with soft toys until everyone’s giggling again.
According to a research in Florida State University, families who actively practice forgiveness develop stronger bonds and better emotional health overall.
Keeping the Peace (Even When Sibling Drama Strikes Again)
No strategy in the world will wipe out bickering forever. Siblings fight, sometimes for sport, sometimes just because it’s Tuesday.
But with a few tweaks to the daily routine, and a willingness to try again after setbacks, you can nudge your kids—or yourself—toward a more peaceful coexistence.
And if all else fails? Take heart: some of the world’s most loyal, loving adults grew up waging epic battles over who got the front seat.
Turns out, surviving a difficult sibling can make anyone ready for anything life throws at them—including sharing the remote.
