Ever caught yourself staring at your child mid-meltdown, pasta in their hair and feelings everywhere, and wondered, “Is this normal… or is my little darling starring in a soap opera I never auditioned for?”
Emotional intelligence is a bigger deal than knowing when to say sorry after thwacking a sibling with a toy dinosaur.
For busy parents, catching the clues early can make home life a little less of a dramatic re-enactment every dinnertime.
Ready to spot the signs? Off we go.
1. The Empathy Switch Seems Permanently Off
You tidy up their blocks for what feels like the hundredth time, and your child watches as you step on a stray piece, expressing all the pain of a stubbed toe. Your little one glances up… and promptly asks for a snack.
If this rings a bell, you might be living with a pint-sized person who struggles with empathy.
Empathy, the ability to put oneself in another’s shoes (or slippers, or very sore bare feet), is one of the key pillars of emotional intelligence.
Children who have trouble picking up on others’ feelings may miss social cues, laugh when a playmate cries, or seem unbothered by the emotional weather around them.
Sometimes, they bulldoze through friendships, not realizing why a mate suddenly doesn’t want to share their felt-tip pens.
Before you start planning a future of solitary lunches for your child, take heart. Empathy can be taught, and often it’s just a bit late to the party—not absent forever.
Start by narrating your own feelings out loud (“Ouch, that hurt! I feel sore when I step on your toys”) or by asking how characters in books or telly might be feeling. According to research, discussing emotions openly with kids helps them develop empathy.
2. Emotional Vocabulary Is Limited to “Fine” and “Hungry”
“Darling, how was school?”
“Fine.”
“How do you feel about your maths test?”
“Hungry.”
If your child’s emotional vocabulary could fit on a sticky note, you’re not alone. Many kids struggle to identify and label feelings, which leaves them ill-equipped to manage big emotions.
When “fine” covers everything from wild excitement about a new puppy to abject disappointment over soggy chips, it’s hard to get to the bottom of anything.
Building a larger feelings vocabulary isn’t about turning your kid into a mini therapist. It’s about giving them tools.
Start sprinkling in more emotion words during daily chats (“Are you frustrated with your Lego tower?” “Did you feel proud after scoring that goal?”).
For younger kids, picture books about feelings or even a feelings chart on the fridge can help. Teens might roll their eyes, but even they secretly appreciate having the language to say more than “meh.”
3. Tantrum Threshold Is Lower Than a Limbo Stick
We’re not talking about the occasional toddler eruption—everyone has days when their grapes are “too grapey.”
But if your child seems to melt down over minor setbacks—think, the wrong colour cup, or someone else pressing the lift button—they might be struggling with self-regulation.
Self-regulation is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence. It’s what keeps us from hurling our smartphones out the window on a bad day (most of the time).
Kids low on EQ often struggle to calm themselves, find it hard to accept “no,” and might lash out physically or verbally when upset.
Simple strategies can help turn Mount Vesuvius into a gentle hillock. Try coaching them through breathing exercises (“Let’s blow up an imaginary balloon together”), or roleplay what to do when things don’t go to plan.
Research shows that mindfulness techniques in children reduce emotional outbursts. And yes, sometimes, you’ll need to ride out the storm in the pantry with a biscuit.
4. Social Situations Often Spiral Out of Control
Birthday parties, playdates, family picnics—these can quickly turn into a hotbed of drama for kids who struggle with emotional intelligence.
If your child often finds themselves on the outside looking in, or is always at the centre of squabbles, their social radar might be a bit rusty.
Maybe they interrupt constantly, get too bossy, or don’t notice when others have had enough. Or perhaps they withdraw entirely, overwhelmed by the social stew of a classroom or gathering.
Social awareness—the ability to read the room—takes practice, but some children need more targeted support.
To help, play “emotion detective” together: observe people in books or shows, and guess how they might be feeling. Practice turn-taking and sharing through games.
You might even roleplay tricky scenarios (what to do when someone doesn’t want to play the game your child picked). According to research, roleplay and guided discussion can significantly improve kids’ social skills.
5. Blaming, Avoiding, or Denying Feelings Is the Default Response
When faced with a problem, does your child tend to point fingers (“It was her fault!”), pretend nothing happened (“I’m not upset”), or dodge the topic altogether (“Can I have some crisps?”)? This is classic avoidance, and it’s a big red flag that emotional intelligence needs a boost.
Owning up to feelings isn’t easy—plenty of adults struggle with it, too. Kids who can’t face uncomfortable emotions tend to sweep them under the rug.
The trouble is, the rug gets lumpy, and everyone keeps tripping over it.
Encourage your child to talk about emotions, especially tricky ones. Model it yourself: “I’m feeling a bit grumpy today because I didn’t sleep well.”
Create a home where it’s safe to be mad, sad, or confused, without being told to “cheer up” or “get over it.” Studies show that children who are coached to label and process their emotions are better at managing them.
Raising Emotionally Savvy Kids Starts Now
No one expects a three-year-old to meditate on the meaning of life or write poetry about their feelings (though, wouldn’t that be a treat?).
Emotional intelligence is a skill set that develops over time, with a bit of nudging—and a fair amount of patience.
If you see the signs above in your child, you haven’t failed as a parent. You’ve simply been handed the next mission: helping your child learn to name, share, and manage their emotions.
It starts with small moments—talking about feelings, reading stories, showing empathy for a bruised knee or a bruised ego.
Tonight, try a quick feelings check-in over dinner or take five minutes before bed to read about a character’s tough day.
Even when you feel like you’re getting nowhere, your child is absorbing far more than you think.
And if all else fails, there’s always tomorrow—and a fresh pack of biscuits.
