Ever found yourself staring at your child in disbelief, wondering how the sweet baby you once snuggled has transformed into a pint-sized dictator, wielding sarcasm and snappy retorts instead of rattles and giggles? You’re not alone.
Every parent has that moment—usually when their child chooses the busiest aisle in the supermarket to loudly announce their opinions about Grandma’s moustache.
Let’s talk about why kids sometimes act mean, what’s really going on under the surface, and—most importantly—how you can help your child grow into a kind, emotionally savvy human.
What’s Really Behind the Attitude?
Children aren’t born mean. No one arrives on this planet plotting how to insult Auntie June at the next birthday party.
When your little one acts nasty, something is happening under the hood.
Emotional regulation is a skill, and most kids are still learning it well past the toddler years. Your seven-year-old who calls his sister “a stinky fart-face” isn’t necessarily a future villain—he’s probably feeling overwhelmed, jealous, or misunderstood.
Young brains, particularly the prefrontal cortex (aka the part that helps us manage emotions and think before acting), are still under construction.
According to child development experts, big feelings often spill out as harsh words or behaviour.
Sometimes, being mean is a form of self-protection. Kids who feel anxious, left out, or powerless may lash out to regain a sense of control—kind of like a cat arching its back when it feels threatened.
Other times, they’re simply mirroring what they’ve seen at home, on the playground, or during those family gatherings where Uncle Dave gets a little too passionate about football.
Stress, Sleep, and Snacks—the Unholy Trinity
Cranky, rude behaviour is often the tip of the iceberg, and the real culprits are hiding below the waterline. Tiredness, low blood sugar, or a rough day at school can turn even the sweetest child into a master of mean.
Think about the last time you snapped at someone after a night of broken sleep or a lunch that consisted of half a banana and a strong coffee. Kids are no different, except they have less experience knowing what to do with all that crankiness.
According to researchers at the Sleep Foundation, lack of sleep can directly impact children’s mood, making it harder for them to keep their cool and respond kindly.
And yes, hangry is a real thing. Skipping snacks or eating too much sugar can swing moods faster than you can say “biscuit”.
Big Emotions, Small Vocabulary
Ever seen a toddler in the throes of a meltdown because their toast broke in half? Now imagine that feeling, but you’re ten and you don’t have the words to explain how upset you are that your best mate ignored you at playtime.
Many children act out because they can’t find the right words for what’s going on inside. When their emotional vocabulary is limited, frustration or embarrassment often comes out as name-calling, sulking, or even a shove.
Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour points out that teaching kids to identify and label emotions can make a huge difference.
When a child knows how to say “I feel left out” instead of “You’re dumb and I hate you,” everyone wins.
Copycat Behaviour: What Kids Learn from Us
It’s a sobering moment when you hear your child use your exact “mum voice” on their sibling. Children are world-class mimics.
They soak up words, gestures, and attitudes from the adults around them—those moments when you think they’re glued to Bluey in the next room? They’re actually picking up on your snarky telephone conversations and grumbles about traffic.
According to psychologist Albert Bandura’s social learning theory, children model what they see.
If they regularly witness sarcasm, criticism, or snide remarks, those behaviours are likely to make an appearance during playdates or at the dinner table.
The Peer Pressure Paradox
Friends play a massive role in shaping how kids treat others. Sometimes, trying to fit in means saying or doing things that aren’t all that nice.
One snarky mate or popular kid with a sharp tongue can easily influence the whole group dynamic.
According to a study in the journal Child Development, children are more likely to adopt mean behaviour when they see others getting social approval for it.
No one wants to be the odd kid out, and sometimes being “mean” is a shortcut to gaining street cred—at least in the eyes of their peers.
Screens, Shows, and Online Insults
Media is a double-edged sword. For every heartwarming cartoon about friendship, there’s a show where the laugh track rewards zingers and put-downs.
Even in children’s programming, meanness is often played for laughs.
And then there’s the wild west of online interactions. Kids are exposed to social media, group chats, and virtual playgrounds, sometimes before they can even tie their own shoelaces.
Mean comments travel faster online, and being behind a screen can make it easier for children to say things they’d never say face-to-face.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends keeping a close eye on what kids watch and how they interact online, especially since cyberbullying can start alarmingly young.
What Can Parents Do Tonight?
Let’s get straight to the good stuff: practical strategies for dealing with meanness that don’t require a time machine or a total personality overhaul.
Call Out the Behaviour, Not the Kid
It’s easy to label a child as “mean,” but that doesn’t help them change. Separate the action from their identity. Try saying, “That was a hurtful thing to say,” instead of “You’re being so mean.”
This subtle shift keeps the door open for learning rather than shame.
Help Kids Name Their Feelings
Sometimes, all it takes is a little emotional detective work. If your child is lashing out, dig a bit deeper: “You seem upset. Are you feeling jealous because your sister got the last cupcake?”
Helping kids label their emotions can reduce their need to express them with mean words or behaviour.
The Zones of Regulation framework is a handy way to help kids learn this skill—think of it as emotional traffic lights for children.
Model Apologies and Kindness
When you snap (and you will—welcome to the club), own it in front of your child. “I was really grumpy and I shouldn’t have shouted. I’m sorry.”
Watching you apologise and make amends teaches kids how to do the same, and proves that everyone makes mistakes.
Show kindness, even in small ways: a smile for the neighbour, a thank you to the checkout worker. Kids notice.
Teach the Art of the Do-Over
Kids love a second chance. If your child says something mean, invite them to try again with kinder words. “That hurt your brother’s feelings.
Want to have another go?” The magic of a do-over is that it doesn’t pile on guilt, but it does encourage reflection and growth.
Get Curious, Not Furious
When your child acts out, resist the urge for an instant lecture. Instead, get curious. Ask questions like, “What’s going on? Is something bugging you?”
Sometimes, the story you hear will surprise you—and sometimes, it’ll make you laugh (or groan).
Reinforce Positive Behaviour
Catch your child being kind. “I noticed you shared your snack with your friend. That was really thoughtful.” Little comments like this can motivate your child to make kindness a habit, not just a one-off event.
Limit Media That Glorifies Meanness
Screen time is part of modern family life, but not all shows are created equal. If you notice your child picking up sassy phrases or eye rolls from a favourite TV show, have a chat about what’s funny and what’s hurtful.
Encourage shows and games that model empathy, cooperation, and respect. The Common Sense Media website is a goldmine for age-appropriate options.
Coach Social Skills
Some kids need a little extra help figuring out what to say and do. Practice role-playing scenarios at home, like what to say if a friend is being left out, or how to disagree without being rude.
It can feel silly, but these “rehearsals” pay off when your child is faced with tricky social moments.
Look for Triggers and Patterns
If meanness is cropping up regularly, take note of when and where it happens. Is it always after school? Right before dinner?
Understanding the triggers can help you plan ahead—maybe it means an after-school snack, some quiet time, or a few minutes to vent about their day.
When Meanness Signals Something More
Most mean behaviour is garden-variety growing pains. Occasionally, it’s a red flag for something bigger, like bullying, anxiety, or struggles with impulse control.
If your child’s meanness is persistent, extreme, or aimed at themselves, consider checking in with a child psychologist or school counsellor. Sometimes, a bit of professional support makes all the difference.
Self-Care for the Grown-Ups
Watching your child act mean can feel like a personal failure—but it isn’t. Raising kind, resilient children is a marathon, not a sprint.
Take time to recharge your own batteries (yes, that means hiding in the loo for five minutes with a biscuit if you have to). When you’re calm, it’s easier to respond with patience, not panic.
Raising Kinder Kids—One Day at a Time
Every child has their moments. What matters is how we help them grow from those moments, shaping their outbursts into opportunities for learning, empathy, and connection.
The next time your child launches a zinger that would make a stand-up comic proud, take a deep breath, channel your inner detective, and remember: there’s a reason behind the meanness—and you have what it takes to help them through it.
Kindness is a skill, not a personality trait. With a bit of practice (and perhaps a secret chocolate stash for the rough days), your child will get there.
And who knows—one day, they just might thank you for it.
