Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. We’re talking about an all-hours, no-overtime, no-privacy, sticky-fingered adventure packed with moments of joy, disaster, and the occasional Cheerio discovered in your shoe.
Ordinary grown-ups wobble through it, sustained by caffeine and the vague hope that their children will someday thank them.
Now, imagine trying it with a personality that fundamentally struggles to put others first. That’s the challenge narcissists face when raising kids—and spoiler alert: it’s no picnic.
Here’s what makes parenting so tough for people with narcissistic traits, and what you can actually do about it—whether you’re co-parenting with one, grew up with one, or suspect you might lean that way yourself on rough days.
What Is Narcissism, Really?
Narcissists aren’t just people who take too many selfies or think they’re God’s gift to WhatsApp group chats.
Psychologists describe narcissistic personality disorder as a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. That means seeing the world—kids included—mainly through the lens of “How does this affect me?”
Not every person with narcissistic traits has the clinical disorder, but the core features are often there.
Think: a fragile self-esteem hiding behind bravado, an allergy to criticism, and a way of relating to others that’s all about securing attention or validation.
Sound exhausting? It is—for everyone involved.
Why Kids Can’t Fill the Narcissistic Void
There’s a running joke among worn-out parents that kids are emotional vampires, draining your energy one meltdown at a time. But children can’t meet a parent’s emotional needs; it’s meant to be the other way round.
Narcissistic parents, though, tend to expect their kids to play the role of cheerleader, therapist, or even sidekick in their own life story.
Instead of seeing their child as a separate person with needs and quirks, they might expect adoration or compliance.
When a child inevitably demands attention, has their own feelings, or dares to rebel, it can feel like a threat to the narcissistic parent’s fragile sense of self.
Empathy: The Missing Ingredient
Raising children requires buckets of empathy (and occasionally a mop). Not just the “aww, you fell over” kind, but the type that says, “It’s not about me right now.”
Research highlights that narcissists tend to struggle with empathy, even with their nearest and dearest. When your toddler is sobbing about the “wrong” color cup, it’s not a deliberate attack—it’s just Tuesday.
But to a narcissist, any demand can feel unreasonable, personal, or even disrespectful.
You can imagine how well that goes down when it’s time for a midnight feed or a teenager’s existential crisis.
Control, Image, and The Myth of the Perfect Family
So much of parenting means letting go: of control, of neatness, of your dream that everyone will eat broccoli without a bribe. For a narcissist, control is not optional—it’s oxygen.
The family’s public image often takes center stage. The narcissistic parent might insist on matching outfits, perfect social media snapshots, or rigid routines—not because they love structure, but because it reflects well on them.
Children, being children, have a habit of throwing up on the sofa five minutes before guests arrive. Genuine connection gets lost in frantic efforts to maintain the family “brand.”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Why Criticism Feels Like a Personal Attack
Picture this: your child calls you unfair for making them put away their toys. Most of us roll our eyes and mutter something about “when you pay rent,” but a narcissistic parent might experience this as a deep betrayal.
Narcissists are famously allergic to criticism—real or imagined. Children, with their delightful honesty and unfiltered feedback, can be like walking, talking sandpaper.
That’s why narcissistic parents often lash out, withdraw, or double down on control when they feel judged by their own kids.
It’s not about you—it’s about their own fragile self-worth.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Praise or Punishment
With narcissism, affection can be as unpredictable as British summer weather. Narcissistic parents might shower kids with love and attention when they feel admired or obeyed—then turn cold or punishing if kids express independence.
This creates a confusing environment for children, who learn to tiptoe around moods, chasing approval like a hamster on a wheel.
Parenting experts warn this can lead to long-term effects on self-esteem and relationship patterns for the child.
If you’re co-parenting with someone like this, consistency becomes your best weapon. Be the safe harbor your child can always count on.
The Gift That Keeps On Giving: Intergenerational Patterns
Narcissism doesn’t appear out of nowhere. Often, it’s learned. Many narcissistic parents were raised by people with similar traits, passing down emotional habits as if they were family heirlooms (less silver spoon, more emotional confusion).
This cycle can feel impossible to break. The good news? Awareness is a powerful first step.
Kids crave connection and authentic love far more than perfection. Modeling genuine apologies, empathy, and boundaries gives children a map to healthier relationships—no matter what’s come before.
What If You’re Parenting With (or Are) a Narcissist?
Now for the practical bit. If your co-parent’s narcissism is wreaking havoc, you’re not powerless.
Start by keeping boundaries crystal-clear. Narcissists thrive on blurring lines, so be specific about routines, discipline, and how you’ll communicate.
Apps like OurFamilyWizard can help keep conversations on track (and provide receipts if things get messy).
When your child gets caught in the middle, validate their feelings. “I can see this is hard for you” goes a long way.
It’s tempting to badmouth the narcissistic parent, but stick to facts and let your child reach their own conclusions.
If you catch yourself falling into narcissistic patterns (maybe you grew up in a similar home), don’t panic. Therapy helps, as do parenting programs focused on emotional intelligence.
The trick is to notice those moments when your own needs feel overwhelming—take a breath, and ask yourself, “What does my child need right now?” You’ll never get it perfect, but your effort matters more than you think.
The Kids Are Watching—And Learning
Children are like little emotional sponges, soaking up how adults handle stress, love, and conflict. When narcissism shapes parenting, it can teach kids to suppress their own needs or turn into little “fixers,” always managing everyone else’s moods.
You can flip the script by modeling vulnerability and repair. When you snap, own it. When you make a mistake, apologise. These small moments teach kids they’re worthy of love even when things get messy.
Research shows children with at least one emotionally responsive caregiver are more resilient—even if the other parent struggles.
A Few Things You Can Try Tonight
Even if your house feels like an episode of EastEnders, small changes can make a big difference.
- Give your child space to talk about their feelings, even if they’re hard to hear.
- Set routines that are predictable but flexible—kids need security, not perfection.
- Practice “rupture and repair”: When you mess up (and you will), show your child how to make amends.
- Model self-care by taking a breather when you’re at the end of your tether.
- Reach out for support—from friends, therapists, or parenting groups. You’re not alone.
Parenting Without the Pedestal
Raising children when narcissism is in the mix isn’t easy.
The pull to be “the best,” to avoid criticism, or to see kids as extensions of yourself can be strong—but it’s never too late to change course.
At its heart, parenting is a messy, imperfect love affair. Kids don’t need flawless parents. They need real ones—who show up, fumble, and try again.
Even on days when empathy feels in short supply, every effort to centre your child’s experience plants seeds for something better.
And if you find a Cheerio in your shoe tomorrow, consider it a tiny reminder: parenting is about progress, not perfection.
That, and perhaps investing in a dustpan.
