Ever noticed how trying to “control” your child’s behaviour feels like trying to keep shampoo in your hands?
Slippery, unpredictable, and apt to end with someone (often you) crying in the bathroom.
There’s a reason for that.
Kids, as it turns out, aren’t robots waiting for their next command. They’re tiny humans with big feelings and brains still under construction.
What they need isn’t a drill sergeant. They need a calm co-pilot. Enter: co-regulation.
What On Earth Is Co-Regulation Anyway?
Imagine your child having a meltdown because the blue plate is in the dishwasher and not available for lunch. You feel your own blood pressure rising. The old “control” script says: “Stop crying, eat off the green plate, that’s enough!”
Co-regulation takes a different route.
It’s the process where an adult helps a child manage their emotions by staying present, calm, and emotionally available, even in the face of shrieks over the grave injustice of the green plate.
You’re helping their nervous system calm down by lending your own calm, not by shutting their feelings down.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Stuart Shanker describes co-regulation as the shared management of stress and emotion. Children literally learn to self-regulate through repeated warm, calm interactions.
In other words, your ability to keep it together when they can’t is what builds their future ability to keep it together.
Why Control Backfires (And Makes You Want Gin at Noon)
You can force a child to comply in the short term. Threats, punishments, or bribes might get you through bedtime tonight.
But at what cost? A child who feels controlled learns to hide their feelings, resist openly, or “behave” out of fear rather than understanding.
And spoiler: the power struggles just ramp up as they get older.
Research from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child highlights that children thrive in relationships where adults respond, rather than react, to emotional distress.
High-control parenting, in contrast, is linked to anxiety, low confidence, and a tendency for kids to struggle with self-regulation when the grown-ups aren’t watching.
What does all this mean for the exhausted parent who just wants everyone to get in the car without someone losing a shoe? It means your job isn’t to control your child’s every move.
It’s to be the calm in their emotional storm until they can find their own anchor.
Brains Under Construction Need Scaffolding, Not Micromanaging
Children’s brains aren’t fully wired for impulse control and emotional management until their late teens (and let’s be honest, some of us are still working on it).
The part of the brain responsible for logic and self-control—the prefrontal cortex—is under renovation for longer than a home extension.
When parents act as emotional scaffolding—staying calm, using empathy, modelling deep breaths—children learn what it feels like to move through big feelings with support, not shame.
Dr. Mona Delahooke calls this “building emotional muscles.” Just as you wouldn’t expect a toddler to run a marathon, it’s unfair to expect them to “just calm down” independently.
The Myth of “Good Behaviour” and Why It’s Overrated
Adults often treat “good behaviour” as the gold standard—sit quietly, don’t whine, follow instructions with the enthusiasm of a particularly obedient Labrador.
Here’s the trouble: When we demand compliance above all, kids learn to disconnect from their feelings to please adults.
True self-regulation looks more like a child saying, “I feel sad, can you help me?” or “I’m angry, but I’m not going to hit.”
That’s emotional intelligence in action—far more valuable long-term than following orders on autopilot.
Dr. Dan Siegel (wise brain-guru and author of “The Whole-Brain Child”) suggests: “Connection first, direction second.” When you respond to the feeling before correcting the action, your child is far more likely to cooperate.
Co-Regulation Doesn’t Mean Letting Kids Run Wild
Sometimes, the idea of co-regulation sounds suspiciously like “letting them get away with it.”
Let’s clear that up: boundaries are still essential. Your child can’t punch their brother because they’re upset about screen time.
But you can enforce the boundary (“I won’t let you hurt your brother”) while still being present and supportive (“You’re angry, and I’m right here to help you calm down”).
It’s about being both kind and firm. As Positive Discipline reminds us, children do better when they feel better. Punishments often teach kids to avoid getting caught, not to make better choices.
How to Practise Co-Regulation Tonight (Yes, Even When You’re Exhausted)
The words “co-regulation” might conjure images of zen parents with endless patience and a scented candle collection.
Spoiler: you don’t need to be a monk. Even if your “calm face” is a bit wobbly and your deep breaths are more like sighs, you can still do this.
Try these when the storm clouds gather:
Be the Calm You Want to See
Your child’s brain is wired to “catch” your emotional state, a phenomenon called neuroception.
If you’re barking orders, their stress rises. If you kneel down, soften your voice, and breathe slowly, they (eventually) follow your lead.
This doesn’t mean you never lose your cool. Repair matters more than perfection. “Wow, Mum got really cross just then. I’m sorry. Let’s try again together.”
Model what it looks like to mess up and try again.
Name the Feeling, Not the Fault
Instead of “Stop being silly!” or “Why are you always so dramatic?”—try “Looks like you’re really upset about the plate. It’s hard when things don’t go how we want, isn’t it?”
Naming feelings helps kids understand what’s happening inside them. It also tells them that you see them, not just their behaviour.
Hold the Boundary, Offer Help
You’re not waiving all rules. “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to throw the cup. I’ll help you find another way.” You can even offer choices: “Do you want a cuddle or some space?”
Choices within safe boundaries help children feel some control over their world, which actually makes them more likely to cooperate.
Keep Your Body Language Open
Kids—especially little ones—read your face and posture.
Crouch down, make gentle eye contact, hold out your arms. If they’re too wound up, just being nearby and non-threatening is enough. Sometimes “I’m right here when you’re ready” is all they need.
Use Fewer Words, More Presence
When emotions run high, brains go offline.
Lectures and logic get lost in the static. Save your TED Talk for later. Instead, stick to simple, supportive phrases and lots of silence.
Sometimes a hug says more than a thousand words.
Why It Feels Harder for Parents (And Why That’s Okay)
You weren’t raised on gentle co-regulation? You’re not alone.
Many of us grew up with “Because I said so,” or “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Your knee-jerk reactions were learned from your own childhood—there’s no shame in that.
Changing your response is hard work. Try self-compassion.
When you catch yourself reaching for control or shouting, that’s just old programming surfacing. Take a breath, apologise if you need to, and try again. Progress, not perfection.
And if you’re waiting for your child to thank you for your calm, measured approach? Don’t hold your breath.
You’re planting seeds that will take years to sprout. But trust that your efforts matter.
The Long-Term Payoff
The goal here isn’t a perfectly behaved child, but a resilient, emotionally intelligent human who can manage their feelings and relationships.
Kids raised with co-regulation become adults who can pause before acting, empathize with others, and face life’s curveballs with more grace.
According to research, children who receive warm, responsive co-regulation show better emotional adjustment, stronger relationships, and even improved academic outcomes. (No one’s winning Parenting Bingo here, but it’s nice to know science has your back.)
When to Seek Extra Support
Sometimes, no matter how many deep breaths you take, your child seems stuck in constant meltdown mode.
If big feelings are interfering with daily life—think aggressive outbursts, withdrawal, or anxiety that doesn’t let up—reach out to a child psychologist or paediatrician for guidance.
Some kids need extra help, and it’s a sign of wisdom, not failure, to ask for it.
A New Way To See Those “Big Feelings”
Here’s the wild thing: the next time your child is losing it over the wrong socks or a broken biscuit, you might just see it as a chance to build their emotional strength rather than a test of your authority.
Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect (thank goodness). They just need you to show up, again and again, as a safe place to land when feelings get too big to handle alone.
Control might get you compliance, but it won’t get you connection—or a child who feels safe in their own skin.
Co-regulation? That’s where the magic (and, yes, the mess) happens.
Keen to give it a go? Tomorrow’s emotional storm is no match for a parent who’s willing to co-regulate.
You might even find you need less gin at noon. Now wouldn’t that be something?
