School corridors, playgrounds, WhatsApp groups—wherever children gather, the pressure to fit in comes wafting through the air like the smell of someone else’s cheesy crisps.
And yes, it’s natural to want your child to be liked. It’s practically hardwired.
But if you ask me, the “fit in and be liked” mantra is about as out-of-date as shoulder pads and dial-up internet.
There are better life lessons to hand down—ones that don’t leave our kids chasing approval like a dog after its own tail.
Here’s how I try to raise children who don’t shrink themselves for acceptance—and what you can do as well, even after the busiest day.
Self-Respect Trumps Popularity
Children are intuitive creatures. They pick up quickly that being popular sometimes means playing a role.
There’s the version of themselves who truly loves collecting bugs, doodling dragons, or wearing socks with pineapples on them. Then there’s the version who hides all that to slot neatly into whatever the group expects.
Instead of nudging your child towards being liked, put the focus on self-respect. Kids who feel proud of who they are stand taller, even when they feel like a lone penguin in a flock of flamingos.
This means talking about boundaries—what feels right, what doesn’t, when to say yes, and how to say a polite “no, thanks” (even if everyone else is obsessed with Fortnite or TikTok dances).
When my son was six, he was the only child in Year 2 not to join the lunchtime football game. He preferred hunting for worms. Did I worry? Absolutely.
But we talked about how it feels to do what makes you happy, even if it’s not what “everyone else” is doing. Over time, a couple of friends joined him—and suddenly, “worm club” was born.
Children who value self-respect often end up finding real friends, not just a crowd.
Authenticity Is Magnetic
How often do we tell kids “just be yourself” and then, a minute later, urge them to “try and blend in a little”? Mixed messages are confusing for adults—imagine how mind-boggling they are for a nine-year-old.
Authenticity sounds a bit like a Pinterest quote, but here’s the science: research on authenticity and wellbeing shows that children who feel encouraged to be themselves are less anxious and more resilient when the inevitable friendship drama hits.
What does this look like in practice? Encourage door-slamming creativity. Support their quirks, even if their taste in music makes you question your own parenting.
My daughter went through a phase of wearing a superhero cape to Sainsbury’s. Did people stare? Absolutely. Did it make her happy?
You bet. She was so clearly at ease in her own skin that other children wanted to join her superhero gang.
Curiosity About Others Beats Chasing Approval
Rather than urging children to fit in, help them get curious about others.
Kids who learn to ask questions and listen—“What do you like about maths?” or “Why do you always bring cheese sandwiches?”—are better at making friends than those who simply mimic popular behaviours.
This approach stops them from morphing into chameleons, changing shades to blend in. It helps them build empathy, too.
According to Dr. Michele Borba, children who are taught to be empathetic are less likely to engage in bullying and more likely to form strong, lasting friendships.
You can model this curiosity at home. At dinner, ask open-ended questions about each other’s day. Or, when watching a TV show together, pause (if you’re feeling brave) and chat about why a character acted a certain way.
Mistakes Don’t Define You
Trying to fit in often makes children terrified of tripping up. One wrong answer, one odd comment, and they’re sure they’ll be banished forever.
Flip that script. Teach your child that everyone messes up—sometimes spectacularly.
When your child tells you about an embarrassing moment or a social blunder, avoid swooping in with solutions or cringe-worthy stories from your own school days (unless they ask).
Instead, help them reflect: “What did you learn? What would you do differently?”
Normalising mistakes takes the pressure off. Suddenly, “fitting in” isn’t about perfection—it’s about learning and laughing (eventually) at the times they wore odd socks to PE.
True Belonging Starts With Self-Acceptance
Here’s a secret: The kids who feel like outsiders often become the adults everyone wants to know. But that doesn’t help much when you’re an 11-year-old facing a lunch table that’s closed its ranks.
The trick is shifting the focus from blending in, to belonging. Brené Brown describes true belonging as the courage to stand alone, because you’re standing in your own truth.
Talk with your child about what makes them feel at home in their own skin. Maybe it’s drawing, sports, or belting show tunes in the shower. Celebrate their unique strengths.
When they mess up, show compassion. When they succeed, cheer the effort, not just the outcome.
Friendship Is About Quality, Not Quantity
There’s nothing wrong with wanting friends. Humans are social, even if your offspring seems to prefer hermit crab status.
But real friendship isn’t about amassing likes or being invited to every party. It’s about trust, fun, and feeling safe to be yourself.
Chat about what makes a good friend: kindness, respect, laughter, honesty. Point out examples in their life, your own, or even in their favourite TV shows.
When they come home upset because someone didn’t want to play with them, empathise and gently steer them to focus on the friends who treat them well.
Research backs this up: studies find that children with even one or two close friends are more resilient and happier than those trying to keep up with a huge circle.
Courage to Stand Alone Sometimes
The world doesn’t always reward the child who sticks out. Sometimes, standing your ground means being left out for a moment—or longer.
Remind your child (and yourself) that it takes guts to say, “This isn’t for me.” Whether it’s refusing to join in a mean joke, pushing back against peer pressure, or simply pursuing a hobby that no one else “gets.”
Share stories from your own life, or read books featuring characters who dared to be different. The more children see examples of courage in action, the more likely they are to find their own backbone when it matters.
Appreciating Differences Builds Real Connection
The world is brimming with all sorts—quiet kids, loud kids, kids who love maths, kids who build fairy houses out of sticks and string.
Children who learn to value differences, not just tolerate them, are the ones who forge the deepest connections.
You can help by exposing your child to different people, ideas, and experiences.
Visit new places, read diverse books, encourage friendships across the class or playground. Chat about how boring it would be if everyone liked the same things or acted the same way.
A child who enjoys what sets them apart is more likely to appreciate what makes others unique, too. And those are the kids who are genuinely liked—not for who they pretend to be, but for who they are.
Empathy, Not Approval-Seeking
It’s tempting to fixate on popularity, especially when your child comes home in tears over playground drama. But over time, seeking approval can become exhausting, and it rarely brings the happiness children imagine.
Instead, focus on empathy. When your child feels hurt, sit with them in the discomfort.
Acknowledge their feelings without trying to brush them aside (“That sounds tough, and I’m really sorry you felt left out”). Ask how they think the other child was feeling, too.
This doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour—but it teaches your child that relationships are about understanding, not just being accepted.
Resilience Over Rejection
No matter what you do, some days will bring hurt feelings. Friendships fizzle. Invitations get missed. The ache of not being chosen stings at any age.
What helps most is teaching resilience.
This goes beyond “toughen up, buttercup.” It’s about giving children space to feel sad, then helping them find ways to bounce back: trying something new, reaching out to another friend, or simply remembering that feelings change.
Experts at the Child Mind Institute suggest that even small daily routines—such as a bedtime chat or a shared joke—can help children feel safe and supported enough to weather social storms.
Real Life Beats Fitting In
Busy parents don’t need another thing to fret about. Raising a child who stands tall doesn’t require special books, a Pinterest-worthy lunchbox, or endless pep talks.
Instead, it’s about tiny, daily acts: Listening. Nudging them to be brave. Celebrating their quirks. Modelling what it looks like to value yourself—awkward moments and all.
Because children who learn to belong to themselves are the ones who, in the end, attract the friends worth having.
And if they occasionally need to wear socks with pineapples to get there? Well, there are worse fashion crimes.
Standing Out Is the Real Superpower
The world needs more originals, not more clones. And busy parents, if you do nothing else today, let your child know that their real magic lies not in blending in, but in standing out—cape, odd socks and all.
That’s the lesson that lasts long after the playground politics fade. And it’s a gift that never goes out of style.
