Ever tried talking with your teenager, only to get a shrug, an eye roll, or a noise that could mean “yes,” “no,” or “meh”?
If you nodded, welcome to the club—meetings are Wednesday nights, snacks provided.
As parents, we want so much for our teens to feel safe, connected, and understood. Yet, sometimes, even with the best intentions, we accidentally build an invisible wall.
Here’s how even the most loving mums and dads can accidentally push teens away—and what you can do to gently tug them back.
The Art of Unintentional Dismissal
Picture it: You’ve had a long day, and your child walks in, looking like the weight of the world is on their shoulders.
You ask, “Everything alright?” They shrug and mutter, “School’s stupid.” Now, the grown-up voice in your head wants to say, “School isn’t stupid, it’s important.” Maybe you do say it.
Here’s the hitch: when we brush off, correct, or gloss over their feelings, teens feel dismissed.
University of Missouri research found that teens who felt their parents dismissed or minimized their emotions were more likely to withdraw and feel misunderstood.
Instead, try the radical act of listening—no fixing, no correcting, just listening. “That sounds rough. Want to tell me more?” Sometimes, that’s all they need to know you’re in their corner.
When Advice Becomes a Monologue
Parents love to help—and let’s be honest, we love a lecture. But teens are allergic to unsolicited advice delivered in a 5-minute chunk.
When every conversation becomes a lesson, they’ll soon stop sharing altogether.
Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist specializing in adolescence, points out that teens crave autonomy and respect. Offering advice without invitation makes them feel incapable.
Try swapping “Here’s what you should do” for “Would you like my thoughts, or do you just want to vent?” It’s a small shift that tells your teen you trust their judgment.
Busy Lives, Empty Chairs
You’ve got work, emails, a mystery smell coming from the fridge, and a dog who thinks your slippers are a food group. The modern family calendar looks like a competitive sport.
Days blur, and before you know it, you haven’t had a proper chat with your teenager in a week.
Research from the American Psychological Association shows that regular family meals—yes, even takeaway noodles while standing at the counter—are linked with better teen mental health and stronger relationships.
Small, regular moments matter. It’s less about the length of time and more about quality. Ten minutes of genuine attention beats an hour of distracted multitasking.
Judgment in Disguise
Teens pick up on tone faster than you can say “I’m not judging, but…” Sometimes, the way we react—an arched eyebrow, a sigh, a “really?”—can sound like a silent verdict.
This isn’t about rolling out a red carpet for every wild idea. It’s about keeping your poker face while your teen shares something personal or surprising.
Clinical social worker Janine Halloran recommends validating before redirecting: “I get why you’d feel that way. Want to talk about how it could play out?”
Your teen isn’t expecting a cheerleader for every decision. They just don’t want to feel like they’re on trial every time they open up.
The Comparison Trap
“Back in my day, we walked five miles to school… in the snow… uphill, both ways.” Cue the eye roll.
Comparing your teen’s struggles to your own younger days, or worse, to their siblings or friends, is the quickest route to shutdown city.
Today’s world is a different beast—social media, academic pressures, and shifting friendships make for a new set of hurdles.
Instead of “When I was your age,” try “I can imagine that feels tough. What’s the hardest part for you?” Trading comparison for curiosity builds empathy and connection.
The Unseen Power of Privacy
Rifling through your teen’s phone when they aren’t looking, reading their diary, or snooping on their social media might sound like necessary caution—but it sends a powerful, unspoken message: “I don’t trust you.”
A study published by Developmental Psychology found that teens who felt their privacy was respected by parents were more likely to share important information voluntarily.
Setting boundaries around privacy (while keeping an open door for serious concerns) tells your teen you believe in their integrity.
Try this: “I respect your privacy, and I trust you. If something ever feels off, you can always come to me. No judgment.” Then, follow through.
Confusing Independence for Distance
Teens are hardwired to pull away as part of growing up. It’s not personal, it’s developmental. This urge to stretch their wings can look like rebellion, laziness, or apathy, but often, it’s them learning to be themselves.
Dr. Laurence Steinberg, an expert on adolescent development, notes that this period is crucial for identity formation.
If parents misinterpret independence as rejection, they might pull back emotionally, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Stay close, even if it means sitting on the couch scrolling next to them or bringing a snack while they do their own thing. Proximity counts—sometimes, your presence alone is the anchor they need.
Tech as the Third Parent
Screens are everywhere, and it’s easy for both sides to retreat into the glow of their devices. Sometimes, though, it’s the parent scrolling through emails, checking news, or half-watching TV that cues a teen to check out too.
Psychologist Sherry Turkle’s research at MIT highlights how “phubbing” (phone snubbing) by parents can leave teens feeling ignored, sparking a feedback loop of digital disconnection.
Try a phone basket at dinner—everyone’s included. Your undivided attention can be the difference between “fine” and a real conversation.
The Disappearing Celebration of Small Wins
Your teenager might not be captain of the rugby team or ace every maths test, but tiny victories matter. Forgetting to notice the little triumphs (like surviving an awkward school assembly or admitting a mistake) can leave teens feeling invisible.
Genuine praise for effort, resilience, and honesty counts. “I noticed you helped your brother without being asked. That was generous.” These moments build confidence and nudge teens a little closer.
Mistaking Silence for Disinterest
A quiet teen isn’t necessarily shutting you out. Sometimes, they’re processing, tired, or just don’t have the words yet. Pushing for conversation or filling the silence with questions can backfire.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Braaten suggests respecting silence while signalling you’re available. A simple, “I’m here if you want to talk, no rush,” is enough.
Some teens open up in the car, on a walk, or late at night—timing can be everything.
When Apologies are Rare Birds
Parents mess up (shocking, I know). Maybe you lost your cool, or you made a snap judgment. What matters isn’t perfection, but repair.
Experts agree that parents who apologise sincerely set a powerful example. A genuine “I’m sorry I snapped earlier, I didn’t mean to take it out on you” teaches accountability and humility.
Teens respect honesty, even when it’s messy.
Finding Your Way Back In
Teenagers aren’t looking for perfect parents—they want adults who listen, respect their growing independence, and remember what it felt like to be misunderstood.
Reconnecting starts with small, consistent efforts: an extra moment at the breakfast table, a text just because, or simply sitting quietly together. The bridge isn’t built overnight, but every gentle step counts.
And if you get an eye roll? You’re probably doing it right.
Keep showing up. That’s what they’ll remember.
