Ah, rewards for good behavior: chocolate buttons, extra Peppa Pig, maybe a sticker chart or two.
If you’ve ever waved a biscuit in front of your child in public just to buy ten seconds of peace, you’re in good company.
For busy parents, it seems like a win-win—the child behaves (or at least stops drawing on the cat), and you get a minute to sip that cup of tea before it goes cold.
Surely, no harm in a little bribery, right?
Why Rewards Work… Until They Don’t
Little ones love getting stuff, whether it jingles, glitters, or comes in a chocolatey wrapper. And reward systems do work—at first. There’s even a whole psychological concept behind it called operant conditioning.
But here’s where the plot thickens. Over time, kids get wise to the game. “You want me to put my shoes on? Fine. What’s in it for me?”
Suddenly, you’re negotiating with someone who’s three feet tall and frighteningly shrewd.
Plenty of research, including the famous Lepper, Greene, and Nisbett study, shows that external rewards can actually crush a child’s intrinsic motivation.
Once the biscuit stops, so does the behavior. One minute, your child’s helping because it feels good; the next, it’s all about the biscuits.
The Sticker Chart Problem
Sticker charts are the Pinterest parent’s go-to solution. There’s a certain smugness in watching the chart fill up, imagining all the future Nobel Prizes your compliant child will surely win.
But here’s the rub: sticker charts can get old fast. Kids get bored or, worse, begin to calculate exactly how little effort gets them the maximum reward.
Suddenly, it’s less about kindness or responsibility and more about sticker economics.
Worse still, some children become anxious about not earning stickers, seeing it as a failure rather than a learning opportunity.
This can actually fuel sibling rivalry, resentment, and a general sense of “not good enough” that lingers long after the stickers have lost their shine.
When Rewards Turn Into Bribes
There’s a thin and slippery line between a reward and a bribe. Offer something after the good behavior, and you’re in reward territory. Promise it before, and you’re dangling a bribe.
Next thing you know, your child is holding out for bigger and better deals—“No, I won’t put my clothes away for a jellybean. Let’s talk iPad time.”
You’ve accidentally hired yourself a tiny negotiator who’s read The Art of the Deal.
The trouble is, bribes teach children that decent behavior isn’t expected, it’s up for auction. Not quite the lesson we had in mind.
What’s the Harm, Really?
It’s all too easy to dismiss the downsides. “My parents bribed me, and I turned out alright!” (Did you, though? Says the voice in the back of your mind as you eye that third biscuit.)
The biggest concern is that constant rewards stunt emotional growth. Kids can start to believe that doing the right thing only matters if there’s something in it for them.
Experts warn that we might be raising children who look for external validation rather than developing their own sense of responsibility or pride.
This can bleed into adulthood—think colleagues who only pitch in if there’s a bonus in it, or adults who struggle with self-motivation unless someone’s watching.
Intrinsic Motivation: The Secret Sauce
There’s a world of difference between a child who helps tidy up because it feels satisfying, and one who does it for a packet of crisps.
Psychologists call this intrinsic motivation: doing something for the joy of it, not for the payout.
Fostering intrinsic motivation isn’t about grand gestures.
The magic lies in simple, everyday moments—like praising the effort rather than the outcome, or noticing how good it feels to work together. “You worked so hard on that puzzle! How do you feel about it?” rather than “You finished! Here’s a sweet.”
It’s a slow burn, but it sticks.
Practical Solutions for Real Families
Let’s face it—idealism is all well and good until you’re staring down a toddler in full meltdown mode at Sainsbury’s. Nobody’s suggesting a reward-free existence; we all need a lifeline occasionally.
But there are smarter ways to encourage lasting good behavior without piling on the external carrots.
Focus on Connection
A child who feels connected to you is more likely to want to please you—and themselves. Make time for one-on-one chats, cuddles, or even a quick game of hide-and-seek before bed.
Relationship is the soil; good behavior is the flower.
Praise the Process, Not the Prize
Instead of gushing about how “clever” or “good” your child is, try highlighting their effort: “You kept trying even when it was tricky.” This helps children value persistence and resilience, rather than just ticking boxes for rewards.
Natural Consequences Over Manufactured Ones
Where possible, let the world do the teaching. Didn’t put their raincoat on? Well, that’s a wet walk to school. Forgot to pack their favourite toy? Looks like the car ride will be less entertaining.
Natural consequences are far more memorable than any star chart.
Rethink Your Language
Shifting from “If you tidy your room, I’ll give you a treat” to “When your room’s tidy, you’ll have space to play” changes the narrative. It’s about cause and effect, not quid pro quo.
Celebrate Without Stuff
Celebrating achievements is lovely, but it doesn’t always need to end with treats or toys. High-fives, silly dances, or allowing them to choose the next family movie deliver a sense of accomplishment without creating a transactional mindset.
The Case for Occasional Rewards
Banning all rewards? That’s about as realistic as banning CBeebies. There’s nothing wrong with the odd surprise or treat—life’s meant to be fun, after all.
The trick is not letting rewards become the only reason for good behavior. Use them sparingly, unpredictably, and for genuine, meaningful reasons.
“Wow, you worked so hard on your reading today—let’s have an ice cream together.” Not because they expect it, but because sometimes, life gives you a cherry on top.
Pitfalls to Watch For
No system is foolproof, and even the best intentions can go sideways.
Rewards Becoming Entitlements
If you find yourself in a situation where your child expects a reward for every tiny thing, it’s time to pull back. Try a “random acts of kindness” approach—praise or celebrate when they least expect it.
Sibling Showdowns
When one child gets rewarded, the others will notice. Try to keep recognition personal and avoid comparisons. Siblings have memories like elephants and the competitive spirit of Olympic athletes.
Punishments Masquerading as Rewards
Withholding previously promised rewards can feel like punishment, which defeats the purpose. If you promised, stick to it. If you’re not sure you can deliver, don’t promise in the first place.
When Nothing Seems to Work
Some days, it feels like you’ve tried everything, and your child is still ignoring you in favour of eating crayons. Hang in there.
If the usual tricks aren’t working, check for underlying issues. Is your child tired, hungry, or stressed? Is something bigger going on, like a change at school or at home?
No reward can plaster over deeper needs.
Chat to your child, or if you’re at your wits’ end, reach out to a child psychologist or family support service. Seeking advice is a sign of strength, not failure.
Raising Humans, Not Reward Machines
At the end of another long, biscuit-fuelled day, the aim isn’t to raise a perfectly behaved robot. It’s to raise a human being who’s kind, resilient, and able to make good choices—even when nobody’s waving a sticker in their face.
Kids need guidance, connection, and a few boundaries more than they need prizes.
By focusing on intrinsic motivation, celebrating effort, and leaning into natural consequences, you’ll help your children develop the kind of inner compass that lasts a lifetime.
And if all else fails? Keep an emergency stash of chocolate for yourself.
Some rewards really are just for surviving another day of parenting.
