Ah, blended families. Where love multiplies, socks disappear into alternate dimensions, and someone’s always asking, “Am I your real kid or your step-kid?”
If you’ve ever felt a pang of guilt or a flicker of doubt about favoritism in your newly-merged household, you’re not alone.
Let’s shed some much-needed light on a topic most parents would rather stuff under the sofa cushions.
What Does Favoritism Really Look Like?
Most parents would rather admit to eating their kids’ Halloween chocolate than confess to having a favorite.
Yet, favoritism sneaks in wearing many disguises: maybe you find one child’s sense of humor easier to handle, or perhaps one step-kid shares your love of cricket or your peculiar obsession with obscure cheeses.
It isn’t always about giving more gifts or bigger slices of cake. Favoritism shows up in the stories you choose to listen to, whose advice you take, or even who gets the comfy front seat on the school run.
Sometimes, it’s subtle. Other times, it’s about as subtle as a marching band in your lounge room at 6 a.m.
The Science No One Wants to Talk About
Let’s rip the Band-Aid off: research shows that favoritism is astonishingly common in all families, not just blended ones. The difference? In blended families, the stakes are higher and the wounds deeper.
Kids who feel less favored report higher rates of anxiety, acting out, and a sudden interest in living with Auntie Karen, who, let’s face it, lets them eat ice cream for breakfast.
Parental bias can even affect sibling relationships far into adulthood, according to a study published in The Journal of Psychology. When you’re parent number two (or three), it’s a high-wire act to make everyone feel safe and wanted.
Why Favoritism Happens Even When You Swear It Won’t
Promise yourself you’d never play favorites? Good intentions are a start, but biology, habit, and stress often crash the party.
Perhaps you “click” better with your biological child, or you’re bending over backward to win over your partner’s teen who seems to think you’re a sentient IKEA chair.
Sometimes, it’s just easier to give in to the path of least resistance. Maybe one child is less surly, more likely to laugh at your jokes, or just happens to enjoy the same kind of pizza.
We’re human. Attachment forms through shared interests, time spent together, and mutual trust—not just genetics.
Stress pushes us toward the familiar, and in the chaos of a blended household, familiarity sometimes feels like the only raft in a sea of new routines and questionable leftovers.
The Silent Signals Kids Notice
If you think your kids don’t notice the tiniest crumbs of favoritism, think again. Children possess a sixth sense for injustice—right up there with their talent for detecting vegetables hidden in spaghetti sauce.
They clock who gets the longer bedtime cuddle, who you text back faster, and who escapes chores with minimal fuss. This isn’t about keeping a spreadsheet of who got what, but about feeling secure and seen.
Unaddressed favoritism breeds resentment, competitive behaviour, and a whole lot of “That’s not fair!” echoing through your halls. Sibling rivalries intensify, and both the ‘favored’ and ‘overlooked’ kids pay the price.
The favored one? Pressure to live up to impossible standards and guilt for being picked. The overlooked? Anger and withdrawal—or a PhD in pushing your buttons.
How to Catch Yourself in the Act
Mirror time. Take a breath and ask yourself: Who gets the most of my positive attention? Who do I discipline most?
Try tracking your interactions quietly for a week (no need for a spreadsheet unless you’re really keen on Excel). Sometimes you’ll spot a pattern you hadn’t noticed.
Get brave and ask your partner or even your kids: “Is there anything I do that makes you feel left out or less important?” Prepare for honesty—kids rarely sugarcoat. Don’t panic.
This isn’t about self-flagellation; it’s about tuning in so you can course-correct.
Steps to Level Out the Playing Field Tonight
Tempted to declare, “From now on, everyone gets exactly the same!”? Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.
Fair and equal aren’t always synonyms, especially when kids have different ages, personalities, and histories.
What can you do that doesn’t require moving mountains?
- Rotate privileges, from choosing what’s for dinner to picking the movie.
- Spend pockets of solo time with each child—even ten minutes after lights out, just chatting.
- Use their names equally, especially when praising or correcting.
- Share stories about your own childhood, including your mistakes and embarrassing moments, to level the playing field between “originals” and “bonus” kids.
- Ask each child what helps them feel most loved: some adore back scratches, some want verbal praise, others just want you to listen to their never-ending facts about Minecraft sheep.
Fairness often looks like thoughtful intention, not rigid sameness.
Blending Is Not a Zero-Sum Game
The myth that loving one child somehow means less love for the others deserves a swift kick to the curb. Love, unlike chocolate biscuits or decent WiFi, isn’t in short supply.
You may not form instant, Hallmark-worthy bonds with step-kids, and that’s okay. Child psychologists remind us that attachment can take years.
The important thing is to stay present, show up consistently, and admit when you’ve stuffed up.
When things feel lopsided, try family rituals: taco Tuesdays, Sunday morning walks, or epic Jenga tournaments. Shared experience builds connection, even if nobody agrees on the rules.
When Guilt Gets Loud
Parental guilt loves to rear its ugly head at 3 a.m., right between “Did I remember to sign that permission slip?” and “What if I’m ruining their childhood?” Guilt’s favorite line: “You’re failing both the kids you birthed and the ones you inherited.”
Acknowledge the guilt, but don’t let it run the show. Apologise when you mess up. Be open with your partner and kids about the fact that blending families is sometimes messy and imperfect.
You’re modelling humility, which is worth more than Pinterest-worthy packed lunches.
Talking About Favoritism Without Starting World War III
No need to sit everyone down for a dramatic family meeting. The magic happens in the everyday moments: the car ride, the walk to the corner shop, or while folding socks that no one claims.
Make space for kids to talk about their feelings—without jumping to defend yourself or fix everything instantly. A simple, “I hear you. That sounds tough. I’ll try to do better,” goes a long way.
If things keep boiling over, consider a neutral third party. Family therapy isn’t just for folks on TV dramas. Sometimes, it’s the sanest thing you’ll do all year.
What If Your Partner’s the One Playing Favorites?
Here’s the tricky bit: you can only control your own side of the teeter-totter.
If you’re watching your partner give their own child more attention or leeway—and it’s grinding your teeth to nubs—address it gently.
Stick to “I” statements: “I’ve noticed that Jamie seems to get more solo time with you; I worry Tessa feels left out.”
Avoid accusing or tallying up infractions. This is a team effort, not a penalty shootout.
If your partner gets defensive, remind them that this is about creating a home where everyone feels they belong—even if it means you both make mistakes along the way.
Different Ages and Stages, Different Needs
Favoritism’s not always about affection. Sometimes it’s about who needs more help with maths, who’s starting secondary school, or who’s got a wobbly tooth that demands an audience.
A 15-year-old might crave privacy, while a 7-year-old wants to glue themselves to your hip. That doesn’t mean you love one more; you’re just meeting different needs.
When possible, explain this to the kids, too. “I know I was helping Max with his science project all night; let’s bake muffins together tomorrow.”
Kids are surprisingly understanding—especially when baked goods are promised.
How to Handle the “But Mum/Dad Likes You Best!” Accusations
You’ll hear it eventually, possibly accompanied by dramatic sighing or a suspiciously well-timed tear. Resist the urge to launch into a courtroom defense.
Instead, offer empathy: “It must feel rubbish to think I like someone else best. Can you tell me what made you feel that way?”
Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding. Sometimes you’ll spot a habit you can tweak.
If the accusation keeps resurfacing, it’s a sign to revisit your own patterns and maybe loop in your partner for a tag-team approach.
Favouritism Is Real, But It Isn’t Fate
Blended families are messy, marvellous experiments in love. There will be days when you swear you’re stuffing it up.
Guess what? Processing these feelings—in yourself and your kids—is the work. Nobody expects you to be Mrs Doubtfire or the Brady Bunch.
Tuning into your own biases, inviting honest conversations, and committing to small, daily gestures can go a long way towards healing old wounds and building something new.
As for the forbidden truth? It’s that no parent gets this perfectly right.
The magic lies in showing up, owning your mistakes, and loving all your kids—biological, step, bonus, and otherwise—as best you can, one messy day at a time.
Where the Real Magic Happens
Blended families are never about erasing old loyalties or pretending everyone’s the same.
The real magic is in helping every child feel like they truly belong, not just as a visitor but as an essential, quirky, much-loved member of the crew.
Tonight, pick one tiny thing—an extra hug, a shared joke, a five-minute chat before bed. It might not solve every problem, but it says, “You matter here.”
And sometimes, that’s all a kid (or a frazzled parent) really needs.
