While your kid won’t ever stop being yours, there will come a point where they need to live their own lives. There will also come a point where they think they’re ready for it. These two situations won’t always align – explaining this to your child can be difficult.
Your teen might be overestimating themselves or underestimating how hard it is to live outside of their home. Letting them move out when you know they aren’t ready yet would be problematic for everyone in the household, but how do you stop your teen without creating any resentment?
Think about when they said they wanted to move out – did they really mean it, or were they just lashing out? If they did mean it, be sure to think about what drove them to that point.
Ask your teen how they plan to live once they finally move out, then try to convince them why now wouldn’t be the best time for it. Acknowledge their good points and don’t sabotage their efforts. Handle your teen’s situation objectively to avoid pushing them away.
It can be scary when your teen finally wants to move out of the house, but you can’t just let parental instinct dictate your action. If you think they aren’t ready, convince them to stop – but do so concisely, objectively, and gently.
Consider the Situation Carefully First
How did you find out your teen wanted to move out? When? What happened prior?
Did they say they wanted out in the heat of the moment, during an argument? Or did they bring this concern up while you were sitting around the living room?
Your kid might just be upset and yell out the first thing that comes to mind to hurt you, or they might genuinely think they need to move out of your house. The lead-up to this situation is always crucial to understanding how to proceed best.
If your teen is broaching the topic while level-headed, chances are they’ve given it more than just passing thought. They’re approaching you with open-minded maturity, and the last thing you want to do is slap it aside with a kneejerk reaction.
If your teen brings this up in an argument, it could just be an impulsive response to their anger. You don’t need to take it personally, but don’t belittle, chastise, or guilt them over the statement. If you continue to push, your teen might choose to move out just to spite you.
In either case, you need to keep a cool head. It’s too easy to get upset when your teen talks about difficult topics like that, leading you to say something both of you might regret. Hold your tongue until you’re ready to talk openly about this issue – otherwise, don’t take the risk.
Talk With Your Teen (Find Out Why They Want to Leave)
If your teen wants to move out of the house, the absolute worst thing you can do here is to force them to stay. No one subjected to this would accept that without kicking up a fuss. Also, your teen likely has some valid reasons behind them wanting to leave – talk about those first.
They might have found something unbearable in your household. Your teen might also want the opportunity to experience independent living, free of familial obligations. You don’t have to agree with those sentiments, but you need to at least recognize the fact that your teen feels that way.
No matter the reason behind your teen wanting to move, the best solutions here will always involve some form of compromise. It’s important to make them feel involved in these conversations.
Think of it this way: would you bother reasoning with someone who won’t listen to you?
You’d look for other ways to get what you want – and right now, not being ready to compromise puts your kid in a similarly-frustrating position. They might explore options you wouldn’t approve of, or just do away with needing your permission entirely.
Clarify that you’re willing to work with them and that their inputs will be taken into consideration. A little leeway goes a long way towards facilitating good communication.
It’s very rare that a child just wants to move – chances are, they’re looking for something else that they’d get that happens to come bundled with moving away.
If your child wants to move because they’re feeling smothered, talk about how the two of you could improve upon their situation. A longer curfew could work here – let them enjoy extended freedom, but also prove that they can be responsible for themselves.
If they want to move because they want to start living responsibly, have them earn it with terms both of you can agree on.
Adding some chores for them to do gives your teen the opportunity to prove their capability. Just make sure you use tasks they could apply once they actually start living somewhere else, such as cooking, laundry, or housekeeping.
For both cases, you start with a conversation on level ground. Talking with your teen about this shows that you’re giving their issue importance, and they’ll be keener to meet you halfway here.
Remember that you’re trying to stop your teen from moving out because they aren’t ready yet. Not because they’ll never be ready in your eyes. Give your teen a chance to prove they’re good for it. If you disregard their concerns, your teen might just reciprocate with the rules you set.
Ask About Their Plans After the Move
If you think your teen moving out of your home isn’t a good idea, be sure to tell them why. You can’t just say they’re banned from doing it and expect that explanation to suffice.
Convincing them that they aren’t ready demands that you understand what they’re capable of now. Talk to them about their hypothetical plans once they move out of the house.
Where will they be staying? How will they go to school or work now? Do they have the documents needed to live independently? Do they know where to head for medical emergencies? Can they finance the lifestyle they’re planning for independently?
These shortcomings need to be brought to both of your attention. If they have a workable response to that, excellent. If not, that’ll be problematic – but still not something to hold against them.
Your bottom line is proving to them that they aren’t ready quite yet, but don’t rub it in their faces. Persuade them that they aren’t ready, but they will be eventually. Steer clear of condescension.
Living alone needs well-laid plans, thorough preparation, stable income, and financial literacy to even have a chance to succeed.
If your teen isn’t ready, there are better reasons to give them than “because I said so”. Communicate to them that your hesitance to them move out is about capability, not control.
Don’t Sabotage Them
Remember that you’re trying to highlight why your teen isn’t equipped to handle moving out of the house. Point out existing issues, but never do anything that could be perceived as sabotage.
This is you and your teen considering a choice. It’s not a “Me vs You” situation, and acting belligerently could pit your child against you. You can control the extent of support you provide, but that won’t extend to things like confiscating their existing assets.
For instance, let’s say your teen needed money for the deposit on their new residence.
- It’s your call if you want to chip in for their down payment – you don’t have to.
- It’s NOT your call to cut them off from the money they’d already saved
Even if you think you’re protecting them from wasting money, your teen won’t see it like that. They’d see it as you sabotaging their efforts, which would build up a ton of resentment.
You want to use logic, empathy, and communication to prove your point. Using brute force and authority won’t be worth the damage it’d cause your relationship.
Remind Them of Their Limitations (Without Demeaning Them!)
We glossed over it a little above, but living independently takes a certain skillset your teen might not have developed early on. This encompasses things like managing electrical bills or budgeting for groceries. Sometimes, they might even lack baseline maintenance skills like housekeeping!
These skills weren’t needed when they lived at home. Your teen won’t recognize these knowledge gaps until they’re put on the spot, and by then it’ll leave them scrambling to learn.
Soft skills like time management, organization, problem-solving, and critical thinking will also be sorely needed for independent living. Moving out puts your teen in a position to experience a lot of situations they probably hadn’t encountered, and the responses they have may not be ideal.
You want your child to understand that they’re out of their depth, but how you communicate this matters. They simply lack exposure – not competence. It’s not their fault for not knowing, but it’s their responsibility to prepare themselves if they plan to live independently.
There’s a big difference between pointing out limitations and holding these against someone. Your child deserves better than your judgment, so keep your criticism constructive and gentle.
Respect and Objectivity
If your teen genuinely wants to move out of the house, they’ve likely given the thought a good deal of importance. Disagreement is fine, but don’t ever demean their efforts.
Convincing your teen that moving out isn’t in their best interests should be justified through objective information. You shouldn’t let frustration or impulsiveness govern your own actions.
Provide them with constructive criticism without provocation, and hopefully, they take your wisdom to heart – at minimum, they should take it into consideration.
Find out if your teen actually wants to move out – if they mean it, learn why they want to. Don’t let impulsiveness decide the conversation if you care about the outcome.
Don’t browbeat your teen into staying at home, and never undermine their agency. Focus on convincing them to reconsider with a mix of mindfulness, empathy, and compromise.