Ever watched your child sob over a broken biscuit, then laugh maniacally at the sight of a pigeon, only to announce—three minutes later—they’re “mad at everyone forever”?
Children are emotional tornadoes, often leaving worn-out parents clutching mugs of cold coffee, wondering if they’re raising tiny humans or dramatic performance artists.
Still, helping kids understand and manage their feelings isn’t about creating pint-sized stoics.
It’s about raising people who can name what’s going on inside, express it without biting (literally or figuratively), and handle the emotional rollercoaster that is, well, life.
Here’s how to raise kids who actually own their emotions.
Model Emotional Ownership Like a (Slightly Flawed) Grown-Up
Children don’t come with a user manual, but they do come with a keen instinct for copying the adults in their lives.
If you want your child to own their feelings, you’ll need to go beyond “I’m fine” and “Nothing’s wrong, just tired”—even when you want nothing more than to avoid a three-hour discussion about why you snapped at the laundry basket.
Let your emotions out in age-appropriate ways. Say things like, “I’m frustrated because my meeting ran late and I’m hungry. I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” Or, “I’m feeling sad today, so I’m going to sit quietly for a moment.”
This doesn’t mean you burst into tears at every minor inconvenience, but it does mean you show them it’s normal (and safe) to admit you’re not always on top of things.
Children who see adults managing emotions honestly and calmly tend to pick up those skills themselves. Think of it as emotional osmosis—without the lab goggles.
Name It to Tame It
Naming emotions is like flicking on the lights in a dark room: suddenly, everything feels a bit less scary.
When your child is melting down because their socks “feel weird,” resist the urge to fix it straight away. Instead, try: “It looks like you’re really annoyed with your socks right now. That’s frustrating!”
This technique, sometimes called emotion coaching, has real backing in research. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman’s studies show that kids whose parents help them label feelings tend to have better emotional regulation and social skills.
Label your own feelings and help them put words to theirs, whether it’s “disappointed,” “excited,” “nervous,” or “jealous.”
Over time, kids learn that emotions aren’t mysterious monsters—they’re just feelings, and feelings can be managed.
Validate Without Trying to ‘Fix’ Everything
It’s tempting to whip out the parental toolkit and immediately fix your child’s tough feelings—especially when you’re late for work and someone is sobbing about a schoolyard slight.
Still, emotional ownership starts with validation, not quick fixes.
Try saying, “That sounds really hard. I get why you’re upset.” Hold the rescue helicopter a moment longer before offering advice or distraction.
When children feel heard, they’re far more likely to move through tough emotions and learn to handle them next time.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with every dramatic statement or elaborate complaint (no, you’re not the world’s meanest parent for refusing a fourth biscuit). It means acknowledging the realness of their feelings.
Teach That Feelings Are Messengers, Not Dictators
Kids (and, let’s be honest, plenty of adults) often believe emotions control behaviour. “I was so angry, I had to slam the door!” is a classic. The secret sauce is teaching your child that feelings are messengers, not bosses.
Tell them: “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.” Help them pause and check in: “What is this feeling telling me? What can I do about it?” Remind them that feelings come and go.
This builds what psychologists call emotional intelligence—the stuff employers, partners, and future flatmates adore.
Books like “The Colour Monster” can help little ones visualize emotions as visitors, not permanent squatters in their brains.
Offer Tools They Can Use in the Moment
Telling children to “calm down” is about as effective as asking a cat to vacuum. Instead, teach them specific strategies for handling big feelings.
Breathing exercises, scribbling angry drawings, stomping feet, or even squeezing a cushion can help kids process emotions without causing a scene that clears the soft play area.
If your child is older, introduce journaling or mindfulness apps for kids, like “Smiling Mind”, which offers guided meditations tailored to different ages.
Stick with practical, concrete options. “Count to five” works better than “achieve inner peace.” The goal isn’t to stop feelings; it’s to help kids move through them in a safe, healthy way.
Make Emotional Check-Ins Part of Your Routine
Emotional literacy isn’t a one-off chat after a big tantrum; it’s a daily practice. Build in emotional check-ins around dinner or at bedtime. Try asking, “What was the best part of your day? What was the trickiest?”
Avoid grilling—keep it light, or even silly (“On a scale from ‘unicorn’ to ‘farting hedgehog,’ how did you feel about maths class?”).
These regular chats normalise talking about feelings. Over time, children learn that emotions aren’t embarrassing or shameful—they’re just part of being human.
You might even find your child starts asking you about your day, which is almost as satisfying as finding forgotten chocolate in the glove box.
Teach Repair, Not Perfection
Nobody gets emotions right all the time—not you, not your kids, not the neighbour who yells at bins. The magic happens when children learn to repair after a blow-up.
Normalise apologies. Model saying, “I’m sorry I shouted earlier. I was tired and stressed, but that wasn’t fair to you.”
Encourage your child to own their part in a disagreement; maybe they lashed out, called names, or threw a shoe.
Repair is about reconnecting, not assigning blame. The message? Mistakes are part of emotional growth.
What counts is making things right.
Don’t Fear the Tough Feelings
Sadness, anger, jealousy—these emotions have a bad reputation, but they’re just as important as happiness and excitement.
If you rush to distract your child from feeling sad (“Don’t cry! Have a biscuit!”), you send the message that tough feelings are dangerous or wrong.
Instead, sit with your child when they’re upset. Offer a cuddle, a listening ear, and a reminder: “It’s okay to feel sad. I’m here.” Over time, children develop resilience—the ability to feel big feelings and survive them.
Research backs this up: Studies show that children allowed to experience and process all emotions grow up better equipped to handle stress and setbacks.
Give Choices and Encourage Problem-Solving
Ownership of emotions goes hand-in-hand with problem-solving skills. When your child is upset about a cancelled playdate, let them brainstorm alternatives (“Would you like to build a fort or write a letter to your friend?”).
Giving choices fosters a sense of agency. Your child learns they can’t always control what happens, but they can control their response.
That, friends, is a superpower.
This also helps avoid the parental trap of fixing everything. Your job isn’t to clear every obstacle; it’s to coach your child through the emotional potholes.
Watch Your Language, Ditch the Labels
Language shapes how children see themselves. Telling a child they’re “naughty” or “too sensitive” can make them believe emotions are a flaw, not a fact of life.
Instead, focus on the feeling, not the child. Try: “You’re feeling upset right now,” rather than, “You’re acting like a baby.” Swap out “You’re so dramatic” for “That was a really big feeling.”
Kids internalise these scripts. Give them ones they can use for a lifetime.
Celebrate Emotional Wins, Big and Small
Caught your child taking a deep breath before answering back? Did they admit they were nervous about the school play? These are wins! Celebrate them.
You don’t need a parade every time someone doesn’t throw a shoe, but a simple “I saw you calming down when you were angry—that was really brave” goes a long way.
Positive reinforcement builds confidence and encourages repeat performances. And hey, we could all use a bit more cheering on, couldn’t we?
Why Emotional Ownership Matters More Than Ever
Raising kids who own their emotions isn’t about raising perfectly-behaved little robots.
It’s about giving them tools for life—resilience, empathy, confidence, and the ability to bounce back when things get tough.
Turns out, emotional intelligence is a bigger predictor of success than IQ, grades, or being able to recite the entire periodic table backwards.
Kids who recognise, name, and manage feelings tend to do better in relationships, at school, and when life throws a curveball (or, more likely, an overdue library book).
And if you ever feel you’re failing at this, go easy on yourself. Every parent has moments where they lose their cool or say the wrong thing.
The fact that you care about raising emotionally healthy kids means you’re already miles ahead.
Now, off you go. Someone probably needs help finding their left shoe. Again.
