Blending families is a bit like hosting a dinner party where some guests bring their own cutlery, others want to rearrange the furniture, and at least one person is sulking under the table.
Jealousy between step and biological siblings can sneak in, turn up the volume, and leave you wondering if you’ll ever finish a cup of tea in peace again.
Luckily, you’re not the only one who’s faced off with sibling rivalry 2.0.
Let’s get right to the heart of what causes this jealousy—and what you can do tonight (yes, tonight) to calm the storm.
Why Step and Bio Kids Get Jealous
When a new family forms, kids sometimes feel like their place in the pecking order is up for grabs.
Maybe your youngest is suddenly “not the baby” anymore. Or your stepdaughter feels you’re more interested in your biological son’s spelling bee triumphs than her own painting prowess.
Little slights, real or imagined, can build up. Suddenly, everyone’s eyeing each other the way cats do at the vet.
According to raisingchildren.net.au, it’s absolutely normal for children in blended families to feel insecure or anxious—their world has changed, and so have the rules.
Spotting Jealousy Without Your Detective Hat
Children rarely sit you down and announce, “Mum, I’m green with envy.” Instead, you’ll see it in sideways glances, grumbling about unfairness, or suddenly “forgetting” to invite their stepsibling to play.
Other signs to look for:
- Arguments over who gets to sit next to you
- Withdrawing or becoming unusually clingy
- Complaints about “favouritism”
- Competing for your attention at every turn
Keep your eyes peeled for these clues, but don’t panic. A little rivalry is part of growing up, and it doesn’t mean your blended family is doomed.
Build Routines That Include Everyone
Kids thrive on predictability, especially when everything else feels wobbly.
Try weaving in small rituals that include everyone: Friday night pizzas, Saturday morning pancake wars, or a weekly movie night where each child gets a turn picking the film (yes, even if you have to sit through that animated dog movie again).
Regular routines reassure children that there’s enough love, time, and dessert to go around.
Create One-on-One Moments
Just because you’re a parent to many doesn’t mean you need to parent everyone the same way all the time.
Carve out solo time with each child—even if it’s just a 15-minute walk to the corner shop or a chat while folding socks together.
These moments let each child know they’re seen and valued, not just one face among a crowd. According to child development experts at Child Mind Institute, individual attention can dramatically reduce sibling rivalry.
Be Switzerland—Stay Neutral When Possible
Arguments will happen. If you leap in as a referee every time, someone will always think you’re playing favourites.
When possible, sit back and let them try to sort it themselves (unless things are about to go WWE).
When you do need to step in, stick to the facts: “Both of you wanted the blue plate. Next time, we’ll take turns.” Avoid assigning blame or bringing up past grievances.
Nobody likes a judge who remembers every traffic violation since 2019.
Acknowledge Feelings Without Overindulging Them
It’s tempting to tell a jealous child, “Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be jealous about.” This is about as effective as telling someone in a rainstorm not to get wet.
Instead, reflect back what they’re feeling: “Sounds like you wish you had more time with Dad.” Or, “It’s hard when you feel left out, isn’t it?”
This bit of empathy can go a long way. According to family therapist Dr. Patricia Papernow, kids need to feel understood before they can let go of their jealousy.
But don’t swing the pendulum too far. Acknowledge, empathise, then move on to solutions.
Set Clear, Fair Rules—And Stick To Them
No one wants to feel like the rules change depending on which child is asking.
Posting a family “code” on the fridge can take the guesswork out of whose turn it is on the Xbox, who feeds the guinea pig, and who gets the front seat.
Consistency matters. Both biological and stepchildren should see that the same expectations apply, even if the consequences might look different depending on age or situation.
Encourage Teamwork, Not Just Tolerance
Fostering a sense of “us” instead of “me versus them” can work wonders. Give the kids joint tasks—a scavenger hunt, baking a cake, or building a fort out of sofa cushions.
Shared victories (and disasters—hello, flour explosion!) give them a reason to root for each other.
It’s not about magical insta-friendship, but about building small, positive connections. According to Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development, shared experiences make step-siblings more likely to see each other as allies.
Let Kids Own Their Space—And Their Stuff
Sometimes, jealousy is about turf. Who gets the bigger bedroom? Whose stuff is “off-limits”? Respect each child’s boundaries.
If possible, give everyone a space or drawer that’s just theirs (even if it’s only one shelf in the fridge for emergency chocolate).
Household possessions can be a flashpoint. Clear rules about borrowing and sharing help keep the peace.
Don’t Expect Love at First Sight
It’s normal for step and bio siblings to eye each other warily at the start. Expecting instant best friendship puts pressure on everyone.
Instead, aim for civility and kindness—and celebrate the little wins, even if it’s just a shared giggle or an afternoon without bickering.
Repeat after me: awkwardness is not failure.
Keep Communication Open With Your Partner
Sometimes, jealousy pops up because kids think there’s a secret alliance between you and your partner’s biological kids. Chat regularly with your partner about what’s working and what feels off.
Present a united front, but be flexible. If something isn’t working—say, a discipline strategy that only fuels resentment—talk about it and adjust.
Parenting experts at Relate suggest that regular check-ins help you spot brewing storms before they arrive.
When to Call for Backup
If jealousy tips over into bullying, depression, or ongoing misery, don’t tough it out alone. A family therapist or counsellor trained in blended family issues can provide strategies and support.
Don’t view this as a failure. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is bring in reinforcements.
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a handy directory if you’re on the hunt.
Embrace the Chaos—And Find the Funny
Blended families aren’t neat and tidy. There will be days when you wonder if anyone will ever get along. Then someone will tell a joke at the dinner table and everyone—stepkids and bio kids alike—will snort milk out their noses.
Progress.
Jealousy is part of family life, especially when new people are added to the mix. With patience, empathy, and a sense of humour (plus the occasional emergency biscuit), you’ll help your brood weather these storms.
Your Family, Your Way
Every family is unique, and what works for the Joneses down the street might be a disaster under your roof. Be gentle with yourself—and with your kids.
Celebrate the moments when everyone is (more or less) getting along, and don’t be afraid to tweak your approach if things get bumpy.
After all, family is less about everyone loving each other perfectly, and more about finding ways to live together, share the remote, and occasionally pass the peas without incident. You’ve got this.
