Sibling rivalry. The phrase alone conjures up images of squabbling children, a broken toy, and a well-worn parental sigh.
While it might feel like part of the starter pack for every family, there’s more to it than just “kids being kids.” In fact, parents—yes, even with the best intentions—often toss fuel on the sibling rivalry bonfire without ever meaning to.
Let’s get honest about the small things, the “helpful” comments, and the innocent routines that sometimes pit your children against each other.
Good news: with a few tweaks, you really can have squabbles that don’t turn into full-blown sibling cage matches.
Comparisons: The Rivalry Supercharger
No parent sets out thinking, “How can I put my kids into a lifelong WWF match?” Yet, the tiniest comparison can do it:
“Why can’t you keep your room tidy like your sister?”
“Your brother finished his peas…”
Harmless, right? Actually, research has shown that even casual comparisons increase competition and resentment between siblings. When children hear that one is “better” at something, that becomes the bar—and the other is automatically “less.”
The child being favourably compared carries pressure to stay at the top; the other, resentment or shame for being “behind.”
It’s not about never mentioning differences. Every child notices them.
The trick is celebrating each child’s strengths individually, without using one as a yardstick for the other. “I love the way you arrange your books,” is far less loaded than, “You’re the only tidy one.”
Labels Stick—And Sting
There’s the “easy one,” the “sporty one,” the “wild child.” Labels might help you make sense of your kids, but children take them to heart (and often to war).
According to child development experts, labels can lead siblings to define themselves only by those assigned roles, limiting their willingness to try new things or change.
Worse still, if one child is given a “positive” label, their sibling often becomes the “opposite.” If Jack is the “clever one,” where does that leave Molly?
Instead, focus on what your children do, not what they “are.” Say, “You worked so hard on that puzzle,” instead of, “You’re the smart one.”
It keeps the praise about effort, not identity—and leaves everyone free to surprise you.
Favouritism: The Sneaky Kind
Ask any parent, “Do you have a favourite?” Cue horror, protest, and a bit of sweating. But research suggests almost all parents feel a stronger connection to one child at some point, even for a day or an hour.
It’s not about loving one more. It’s about who’s easier at a given moment, or which child shares your love of ‘80s music.
Children are exquisite at spotting these micro-favouritisms: who gets a bigger slice, who gets a laugh at their joke, who gets to stay up later “just this once.”
The secret isn’t pretending your feelings are perfectly symmetrical at all times (they aren’t).
Instead, watch for habits—does one child get more cuddles, or does another get more solo time with you? Make small shifts to keep things balanced.
If you snuggle with one during a movie, give the other a bedtime story—just not with a stopwatch, please.
Pitting Kids Against Each Other in the Name of Motivation
“Who can brush their teeth faster?”
“Let’s see who gets dressed first!”
Classic, right? The trouble is, turning everyday tasks into competitions can reinforce the idea that siblings are rivals, not teammates.
It’s a staple in busy homes because, let’s be honest, sometimes it’s the only thing that gets shoes on feet and teeth brushed before school.
The downside: it sets up a win/lose dynamic that can bleed into everything from mealtimes to board games, and beyond.
Studies show that children who regularly compete for praise or prizes are more likely to develop resentment—and less likely to cooperate.
Instead of “Let’s see who’s fastest,” try “Let’s see if we can all get ready before the timer goes off—team effort!” Suddenly, their sibling becomes an ally, not an obstacle.
Unequal Chores and Responsibilities
Nothing turns siblings into scorekeepers like lopsided chores. If one child always fetches the milk and the other gets off scot-free, expect fireworks. Sometimes it’s about age or ability, sometimes it’s just habit.
Kids have a sixth sense for injustice. Even if the logic makes sense to you (“She’s too little”), your older child may only see unfairness.
The fix? Regularly chat with your children about what feels fair. Even very young children can help choose tasks.
Framing chores as “family jobs” rather than “punishments for the unlucky” helps everyone feel invested, not picked on.
Reverse Psychology Gone Wrong
You’re sure your son won’t pick up his bath towel unless you say, “Wow, your sister is such a pro at picking up her towel.”
This trick rarely ends with a clean floor and a happy family. Instead, it often breeds resentment—and a child who feels manipulated.
Researchers from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child note that motivation rooted in comparison can backfire, especially for sensitive kids.
Children are more likely to tune in when the request is clear and the praise is genuine: “I’d love your help with the towels.” No need for games.
Squashing Arguments Without Listening
“Work it out yourselves!”
“Stop fighting—now!”
It’s tempting, especially at 6:30AM. Yet, when kids are told to simply “stop it,” or that “there’s nothing to fight about,” it often increases their frustration.
Worse, it can signal that their feelings aren’t important—so they take the battle underground.
According to experts at the Child Mind Institute, children need help naming and managing their feelings, not just instructions to be quiet.
When you referee, focus on hearing both sides (hard as that may be at times). Acknowledge feelings: “I get that you’re both upset. Let’s see what’s going on.”
You’re not required to solve every squabble. Sometimes, just feeling seen is enough for tempers to cool.
Overpraising One Child’s Achievements
Every parent wants to cheer for their kids. But if you’re shouting from the rooftops about one child’s spelling test and barely mention the other’s soccer game, sibling rivalry gets a boost.
It’s not wrong to be proud. The trick is showing an interest in all your children’s passions—even when they don’t line up with your own. Kids are keenly attuned to what gets applause and what gets a shrug.
Let your enthusiasm match their excitement. If your youngest presents a lopsided clay turtle, your “That’s creative!” can mean as much as “You got the top score!” for your older child.
Setting Up Siblings to Entertain Each Other
“Take your brother with you.”
“Go play together while I make dinner.”
Yes, siblings can be built-in playmates, but constantly assigning one child as the other’s keeper can build resentment. The “big kid” might feel burdened; the younger might sense they’re a tagalong, not a companion.
Child psychologists point out that forced togetherness is not the same as genuine friendship. Encourage joint play, but respect when kids need solo time or different friends.
Try giving siblings choices: “Would you both like to play together, or do something on your own right now?”
Trying to Be Perfectly Equal Instead of Fair
If you’ve ever scrambled to cut cake slices with the precision of a heart surgeon, you know the pain of “You gave her more!”
But here’s the twist: trying to treat children exactly the same can backfire. Kids aren’t identical, and their needs aren’t, either.
What works? Focus on fairness, not sameness. Maybe one child loves bedtime cuddles, the other prefers a late walk.
Giving each what they need shows them you see them as individuals.
When children demand identical treatment, try: “I love you both, and I try to give everyone what works best for them. Sometimes that means things aren’t exactly the same.”
Social Media and the “Highlight Reel”
Posting one child’s big win on Facebook and forgetting the other’s achievements? Trust, they notice—especially if Auntie Margaret comments on every post.
The digital age makes comparison almost unavoidable, but you can set the tone.
Balance your posts, or, better yet, keep celebrations private and meaningful. Children don’t need a hundred likes to feel valued; a sticky note in their lunchbox might mean more.
Everyday Fixes for Everyday Rivalry
Ready to shift from referee to coach? Some quick wins to try tonight:
- Name each child’s feelings, not just the problem.
- Celebrate effort, not just achievement.
- Schedule solo time with each child, even for ten minutes.
- Avoid using one child’s behaviour to motivate another.
- Make chores feel like team projects, not punishments.
And don’t forget: sibling rivalry isn’t all bad. Learning to share, argue, and make up are key skills—not just family drama.
When Rivalry Feels Like More
If you’re seeing constant fighting, name-calling, or shunning, don’t panic—but do pay attention. Family therapists say persistent, intense rivalry sometimes signals a need for more support, or even outside help.
It’s not a sign that you’ve failed. Sometimes, personalities just clash, or life stress amplifies old patterns. A little outside perspective can help everyone find new ways to connect.
Tuning Rivalry Into Respect
No family is rivalry-free. Arguments over bike turns or the “best” breakfast cereal are practically part of the job description.
Yet, with a bit of awareness and some small shifts, you can fan the flames of healthy competition, not resentment.
At the end of the day, your kids want the same thing you do: to be seen, celebrated, and loved for who they are—messy, marvellous differences and all.
And if you’re still cutting cake slices with a ruler? You’re not alone.
