3 Books That Teach Personal Agency

• byFocusOnYourChild.com
• June 17, 2025

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Parents, did you ever wish you could bottle up a dose of “I can do this!” and sprinkle it on your kids’ cereal in the morning?

Personal agency is that secret sauce—the inner voice that says, “Hey, I get a say in my life.” It’s what helps kids grow into adults who make things happen, rather than just letting life happen to them.

But let’s be honest: teaching this confidence and self-direction can sometimes feel like shouting into the void, especially after a long day of reminders about socks, teeth, and not licking the dog.

If you’ve ever wondered how to sneak a little more can-do spirit into your child’s heart (without sounding like a motivational poster), these three books might just become your new sidekicks.

They’re accessible, research-backed, and, crucially, written for people with actual lives—not for those imaginary parents with spare time and alphabetized spice racks.

1. The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson

https://www.amazon.com/Self-Driven-Child-Science-Giving-Control/dp/0735222517

At some point, every parent has asked: “Why doesn’t my child care as much as I do?” This book dares to answer, “Maybe because they’re not supposed to.”

Clinical neuropsychologist William Stixrud and test prep guru Ned Johnson bring two lifetimes of experience wrangling real kids and worried parents.

The Self-Driven Child gets straight to the point: kids need a sense of control over their own lives, or else stress and anxiety can take root.

The authors make the case with stories from their practices and plenty of studies on autonomy showing that kids who feel in charge of their choices are healthier, happier, and more motivated.

The book suggests something radical for many grownups: step back. Not out of neglect, but to hand kids the metaphorical car keys (training wheels on, seatbelt buckled).

Stixrud and Johnson recommend strategies like offering choices instead of orders, and regularly saying the magic words: “I love you too much to fight with you about this.”

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Feel your stress levels rising just imagining that? Their advice is shockingly practical. For example, when it comes to schoolwork, the authors encourage parents to become advisors rather than managers.

Instead of “Go do your reading,” try, “Would you like to start your reading now or after dinner?” Hand over some control, and watch motivation start to spark.

Parents report that this approach doesn’t just work for neurotypical kids. It can be a game-changer for children with ADHD, anxiety, or learning differences, as it takes the pressure off and gives them space to develop their own resilience.

Your takeaway: hand over a bit more control, and you might just see your child step up—sometimes messily, sometimes reluctantly, but step up all the same.

2. Grit by Angela Duckworth

https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108

Grit is one of those modern buzzwords that’s been thrown around so much it’s lost its sparkle. Angela Duckworth, a psychologist and MacArthur “Genius Grant” recipient, put it on the map with her bestselling book.

But here’s the thing: Duckworth doesn’t just talk about effort. She talks about the power of sticking with things, even when they’re tough, boring, or not immediately rewarding.

What does this have to do with agency? Everything.

Grit is the stubborn cousin of personal agency—without a belief in their own ability to affect outcomes, kids just won’t keep trying when things get hard.

Duckworth draws on decades of research into perseverance and success to show why sticking with goals matters more than talent. She offers concrete ways parents can help kids develop grit, starting with reframing failure.

Instead of treating setbacks as disasters, families can treat them as learning opportunities (or as Duckworth puts it: “We can do hard things.”)

The book is filled with stories of students, athletes, and even spelling bee champions who weren’t the smartest or most talented, but just wouldn’t quit.

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Duckworth’s research shows that praising effort, not just achievement, makes a huge difference.

Her “hard thing rule”—everyone in the family works on something challenging, and no one can quit until a certain time—has become a favourite in many households.

Try this over dinner: ask everyone to share one thing they struggled with that day and how they kept going. You might be surprised by what comes out. (Extra points if you admit you almost abandoned the broccoli.)

Grit doesn’t mean never quitting or pushing through at all costs. It means learning to choose your battles, and then seeing them through.

The more kids experience what it feels like to overcome, the more agency they build—one not-so-glamorous step at a time.

3. What Do You Do With a Chance? by Kobi Yamada

If you’ve ever read a children’s book so sweet you almost cried into your tea, you know Kobi Yamada’s style. His books (with illustrator Mae Besom) are gentle, hopeful, and sneakily wise.

What Do You Do With a Chance? wraps big ideas in a story that even the youngest children can understand.

The story is simple: a child meets a chance—but isn’t sure whether to grab it. Over time, the child misses a few, hesitates, feels regret, and then finally grabs hold with both hands.

The metaphor is clear enough for a five-year-old but powerful enough for a doubting teenager (or, let’s be honest, a grown-up on career day).

This picture book isn’t just about seizing opportunities; it’s about learning that you have the power to make choices, even when they’re scary.

The illustrations help children imagine their decisions as colourful, real things. The story gently normalises feeling nervous about new things, which, as any parent knows, is half the battle.

Research on growth mindset backs up Yamada’s gentle wisdom: kids who believe abilities can be developed, and who see mistakes as normal, are far more likely to try new things.

This is the kind of book you can read at bedtime and then revisit over pancakes the next morning: “Remember in the story when the character was scared to take a chance? When have you felt like that?”

Sometimes, a well-timed picture book does more to spark a conversation about agency than a hundred lectures. Plus, it’s an easy win for any parent who doesn’t have the bandwidth for a 300-page manual.

The next time your child faces a new challenge—a new club, a tricky maths problem, or even that slightly suspicious-looking veg on their plate—you can use the story as a touchstone.

“Is this your chance?” you can ask, and watch them consider, maybe for the first time, that the choice really is theirs.

Helping Kids See Themselves as the Hero

At its core, personal agency comes down to a simple truth: children need to believe that their choices matter, that they have skin in the game. The world will hand them enough rules and limitations.

Your job, daunting as it sounds on a Monday morning, is to hand them a little more space—and a stack of good stories to go with it.

The Self-Driven Child, Grit, and What Do You Do With a Chance? aren’t just books to tick off a list. Each one offers a different window into agency: autonomy, perseverance, and the courage to try.

You don’t need to run a book club at home, or master every technique. Sometimes, it’s enough to hand over a bit of responsibility, praise an effort that didn’t quite pan out, or curl up with a picture book about chances.

Slowly, quietly, your child will start to see themselves as the main character in their own story.

And who knows—next time you’re tempted to jump in and rescue them, you might pause and wonder: “Is this their chance?”

And just maybe, you’ll let them take it.