Co-parenting: the Olympic sport nobody trained for, but millions suddenly compete in. It’s a juggling act with feelings, schedules, and the odd Lego underfoot. No medals, just sticky high-fives and eye rolls behind closed doors.
The hard truth? Kids feel every bump in the road.
Here are five ways even well-meaning parents accidentally knock the wind out of their children’s sails, and how to patch things up—before bedtime stories get replaced by therapy bills.
1. Turning Your Child Into a Messenger Pigeon
“Tell your mum to pack your football kit!”
“Tell your dad he still owes me for the dentist!”
“Tell your parents to sort it out themselves,” says every therapist ever.
When parents communicate through their child, they’re giving that child a backstage pass to grown-up drama.
Not only does it pile on stress, it muddies the waters between parental nitpicking and the stuff that actually matters—like who’s got the good snacks this week.
Children aren’t equipped to mediate adult relationships. According to research from the Journal of Family Psychology, kids caught in the middle of parental conflict experience increased anxiety and depression.
Even if you think you’re “just passing a message,” your child starts to feel responsible for keeping the peace. That’s a heavy backpack for a little person.
Try this instead: Send a text, use a co-parenting app (like OurFamilyWizard, praised by family law experts), or, if you must, stick a Post-it on the lunchbox.
Anything that doesn’t require your child to run UN-level negotiations.
2. Badmouthing the Other Parent (Even in Code)
“Oh, you forgot your permission slip? Must run in the family.”
“Where did you learn to be so disorganised?”
We see what you did there.
Even subtle digs at your co-parent can hit a child right in the self-esteem. Kids are genetically half of each parent, so trash-talking your ex is (in their mind) calling half of them rubbish.
Psychologists have found that parental derogation, even with a wink or a sigh, causes kids to internalise negative feelings about themselves and can damage their relationship with both parents.
Tempted to vent? Find a friend, a therapist, or a podcast where you can rage-listen to true crime. Protect your child’s image of themselves by keeping your opinions between you, your pillow, and your WhatsApp group chat.
3. Competing for the ‘Best Parent’ Trophy
Double Christmas. Triple birthdays. Quadruple the arguments about who bought the better present.
When co-parents try to outdo each other—hello, “Disneyland Dad” and “Super Mum”—things escalate quickly. What starts as an attempt to “make up for” a split can turn into an exhausting arms race of gifts, leniency, and rule-bending.
Research from the American Academy of Pediatrics notes children thrive on consistency and clear boundaries, not who can give the most screen time or the fanciest trainers.
Sure, a little spoiling now and then never hurt. But kids need structure, not a bribe for affection. Get on the same page about bedtimes, screen limits, and what counts as an acceptable breakfast (chocolate biscuits: always a debate).
Show your child you love them through time, attention, and boring old reliability—not just what’s under the wrapping paper.
4. Making Kids Choose Sides (Directly or Indirectly)
“If you really loved me, you’d want to stay here longer.”
“Your dad says you don’t want to visit, but I know you do, right?”
Guilt trips: not just for grandmothers anymore. Forcing children to choose between parents, or making them feel like they have to declare loyalty, puts their emotional wellbeing in a blender.
Kids love both parents, even if one can’t cook anything but toast. They shouldn’t have to act as judge and jury when scheduling time or expressing their feelings.
A study in the journal Child Development found that parental loyalty conflicts are linked to higher rates of anxiety and behavioural problems in children.
Even subtle hints (“Are you sure you want to go to your mum’s—what will we do without you?”) can plant seeds of worry or resentment.
Encourage your child to enjoy their time with both parents. Remind them it’s okay to love everyone, even if you and your ex can’t stand to be in the same room without an emergency exit plan.
5. Ditching the Routine Every Chance You Get
“Dad lets me stay up until midnight!”
“At Mum’s, there are no chores!”
And suddenly, your house is the ‘boring’ one.
Children thrive on predictability. When routines fly out the window during handovers (“It’s the weekend, who needs veggies?”), kids get the message that the rules that keep them feeling safe and secure are just optional.
A study by Stanford Children’s Health reveals that consistent routines reduce anxiety, improve sleep, and help children manage change.
It’s not about running military drills, just some basic structure—mealtimes, bedtimes, and the all-important “brush your teeth or else” ritual.
Check in with your co-parent about routines. Even if you don’t share the same philosophy on how much ketchup counts as a vegetable, agreeing on a few basics eases transitions and keeps kids grounded.
And yes, the occasional ice cream for dinner can still be a delightful surprise—not a weekly occurrence.
The Kids Are Watching
Every eye roll, sigh, and silent treatment—children notice. The real secret? They’re not hoping for perfect parents. They’re hoping for grown-ups who act like… well, grown-ups.
Slip-ups are inevitable (you’re human), but course corrections matter more than perfection.
Take a breath, text your ex instead of triangulating through your ten-year-old, and remind yourself: co-parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
The prize? Kids who feel safe, loved, and free to be themselves—awkward, silly, and all.
And if you nail that, you’re already winning.
