You used to have a name. It was a good name.
Now, most people call you “Mum,” “Dad,” or, if you’re really lucky, “Snack Provider.”
Parenting is a beautiful, messy act of transformation.
But somewhere between the first nappy change and the hundredth school drop-off, it’s far too easy to forget who you were before you started answering to “parent” 24/7.
Does it have to be this way? Absolutely not. Here’s how to be a loving parent without misplacing the rest of you.
Why Identity Takes a Backseat After Kids
Having children shifts the universe. (And your priorities, your sleep schedule, and your relationship with silence.)
Psychologists have found that a parent’s sense of self often merges with their child’s needs, especially in the early years.
Dr. Daphne de Marneffe, clinical psychologist, calls it “identity foreclosure”—when your personal interests, dreams, and quirks get locked in a closet, “just for now.” Only, “now” can stretch on for decades, if you’re not careful.
The Myth of the Martyr Parent
You’ve probably met them: the parents who proudly announce they “haven’t had an adult conversation in ten years.” It’s become a cultural badge of honour, as if sacrifice is the truest measure of love.
That’s nonsense.
Your children want you to love them, not erase yourself.
A study by The Greater Good Science Center shows children benefit from parents who maintain hobbies, friendships, and lives beyond the playroom. The message is clear: modelling selfhood is a gift.
Reclaiming Your Old Self—And Welcoming Your New One
Your pre-kid self still exists. Maybe she’s a little dusty, maybe he’s hiding behind a pile of laundry, but they haven’t vanished.
The trick isn’t to go back to who you were, but to blend your parenting self with the person who once sang at open-mic nights, finished a book in a weekend, or actually knew what “me time” meant.
Small Acts of Self-Preservation
No need to book a silent retreat in the Himalayas. Start with what can happen tonight, even if it’s just five minutes.
- Revisit a forgotten playlist and dance in the kitchen, spatula in hand.
- Sketch, doodle, or write in your journal (even if it’s in the loo, with a locked door, while someone small knocks and shouts about a missing sock).
- Brew yourself a “fancy” cup of tea—use the posh mug, light a candle, pretend you’re in a spa.
These aren’t just indulgences. They’re reminders you’re still in there, somewhere between the Weetabix crumbs and the school newsletters.
Finding Your Village—Even if Yours Is Virtual
Modern life isn’t set up for communal child-rearing. Still, “it takes a village” rings true, even if your village is a WhatsApp group of parents who laugh at the same memes.
Connect with friends who knew you before you became someone’s parent.
Join online groups based around your own interests, not just your child’s. Say yes to the occasional night out or coffee, even if the sitter charges more than a Michelin-starred chef.
Shared laughter with other adults is not a luxury; it’s oxygen.
Negotiating Space With Your Co-Parent
A frank conversation can do wonders.
Carve out times when each of you gets to step off the parenting treadmill. Swap lie-ins, solo outings, or even time to binge your guilty-pleasure show (no judgment if it involves shirtless vampires or cake competitions).
Don’t treat this as “extra” or “when there’s time.” Make it as non-negotiable as feeding the cat or paying the bills.
Letting Go of Perfection
The world loves a “supermum” or “superdad” story, but living up to these images is a recipe for stress, guilt, and a secret stash of chocolate you refuse to share.
Research from Dr. Brené Brown highlights the freedom that comes with embracing imperfection. Allow yourself to be “good enough.” If you miss a bake sale or forget to sew a costume, the world keeps spinning. (Promise.)
Chasing Your Passions Without Guilt
You might think, “But I can’t spend time on myself when there’s so much for the kids!” That voice is lying to you.
Children thrive when they see adults enjoy activities purely for themselves.
Whether it’s painting, running, gaming, or gardening—show your kids what passion looks like. Invite them to join, or let them see you absorbed in something non-kid-related.
You’re teaching them it’s healthy to have interests outside family routines.
When You Really Need Help—And How to Ask
Every parent needs a lifeline sometimes. Maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s a chat with an old friend, or maybe it’s professional guidance because things feel overwhelming.
Seeking support is not a sign you’ve failed; it’s a sign you’re aware enough to know when you need a hand. Parenting hotlines and support groups exist for a reason.
Take advantage. You’re never alone, even when you feel like the only adult awake at 2 a.m.
Making Space for Your Relationship
Nothing like a tiny human to turn date night into a logistical nightmare. But keeping your relationship with your partner alive matters—a lot.
Schedule time together, even if it’s just sharing a cup of tea while the kids are glued to Bluey.
Laugh about the weird stuff. Reminisce about your pre-parent selves. Flirt, text, surprise each other.
Intimacy isn’t just for weekends away; it can be found in the ordinary chaos.
Redefining Success as a Parent—and a Person
Try not to measure your worth by Instagram feeds or that neighbour who swears her toddler eats kale for fun. Your value isn’t tied solely to your child’s milestones, your productivity, or how quickly you answer emails from school.
Redefine success: Are you growing? Are you laughing sometimes? Are you still you, somewhere in all the mess?
Congratulations—you’re doing it.
Back to You, Bit by Bit
Parenthood changes you, but it doesn’t erase you.
You can read bedtime stories and your own book. You can play peekaboo and pick up a paintbrush.
You can love your children fiercely and still make space for your quirks, your friendships, your wild dreams.
Being a parent and being yourself? That’s not just possible. That’s the best gift you could ever give your kids—showing them how to become whole humans, too.
Now off you go. Your name is still there, right under “Mum” or “Dad” on the door.
Don’t be afraid to answer to it.
