If you have a grown child, you know the ache: you want to stay close, but sometimes it feels like every attempt to connect is met with radio silence, a tight smile, or a new excuse about “being busy.” (Sure, they’re busy. But not that busy, right?)
You love them. They love you! So why does it feel like you’re stuck in an emotional three-legged race, careening toward opposite directions?
Sometimes, it’s not about bad intentions—it’s about the words that slip out, wrapped in nostalgia, worry, or leftover habits from when they were still nicking biscuits from the tin.
Ready for a reality check?
Here are five phrases guaranteed to send an adult child running for their group chat, eye-rolling emojis at the ready—and some better ways to keep the door open.
1. “When are you going to settle down?”
The classic. Harmless on the surface, but this question is like the conversational version of poking a bruise.
Maybe you’re picturing grandchildren, hoping for wedding bells, or just wanting to see your child “sorted.” Whatever the hope, this phrase often lands as pressure, not concern.
What your child hears:
- “Your life isn’t enough as it is.”
- “You’re behind, and everyone else is racing ahead.”
- “My timeline matters more than yours.”
Research on parent-adult child communication shows that these subtle nudges—especially about relationships or careers—fuel stress, not connection.
What to try instead:
Ask open-ended questions about their life—not about deadlines. Say, “Tell me about who you’re spending time with these days,” or “What’s your favourite part of your week lately?”
This invites sharing without checklist anxiety.
Silence your inner wedding planner. They’ll get there, or maybe they won’t. Either way, your unconditional interest in their happiness matters more than matching towels.
2. “You never call anymore.”
Ah, the guilt trip. Delivered with a sigh, a sad emoji, or—if you’re British—a well-timed “haven’t heard from you in ages.” This phrase drips with longing, but it also comes with a side of obligation.
What your child hears:
- “You’re a disappointment.”
- “Your life doesn’t include me the way it should.”
- “Our relationship is slipping, and it’s your fault.”
Research on family relationships in adulthood suggests guilt is rarely the motivator we think it is. In fact, it’s more likely to push your child further away, or prompt a rushed, shallow call just to tick a box.
What to try instead:
Flip the script. Instead of highlighting absence, celebrate presence. “I loved our chat last week” or “That message you sent made me smile all day.”
If you crave more contact, be honest about missing them—but without the guilt boomerang. “I miss hearing your stories—text me a photo when you try that new recipe?”
You want connection, not compliance.
3. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
Your child announces a career change, a house move, or a trip to Bali with only a backpack and questionable insurance.
Your parental radar goes haywire—out swoops this phrase, meant as concern but often received as doubt.
What your child hears:
- “I don’t trust your judgement.”
- “Let me poke holes in your plans.”
- “You still need my approval.”
According to psychologists, these moments of doubt can make adult children feel like they’ll never be seen as competent or independent. And nobody calls home to get a lecture on their life skills.
What to try instead:
Channel your inner cheerleader—at least at first. “That’s a big step! How are you feeling about it?” If you’re genuinely worried, ask for permission to share: “Would you like my thoughts, or just my support right now?”
Your child might still make choices you wouldn’t, but they’ll remember that you respected their right to choose.
4. “Back when I was your age…”
The moment you utter this phrase, you can practically hear shutters slamming down.
Yes, you survived without mobile phones. Yes, you worked for three shillings an hour, in the snow, uphill, both ways. But this phrase is less a bridge and more a roadblock.
What your child hears:
- “My struggles were harder.”
- “You’re not measuring up.”
- “Let me invalidate your experience.”
Recent studies on generational communication suggest that comparing eras rarely leads to understanding. Instead, it shuts down conversation and makes your child feel like an unreliable narrator of their own life.
What to try instead:
Find common ground. “I remember feeling lost at your stage too. How is it for you these days?”
Or, better yet, get curious about the differences without suggesting superiority: “Your work sounds wild—what’s it like dealing with all those Zoom meetings?”
Save the war stories for the pub, unless your child asks. You’ve got nothing to prove.
5. “You should…”
This one sneaks in everywhere: “You should move closer to home,” “You should see a doctor,” “You should save more,” “You should call your aunt.”
Advice is an act of love—until it’s an act of control.
What your child hears:
- “Your choices aren’t good enough.”
- “I know what’s best for you.”
- “Here’s a list of ways you’re falling short.”
According to family therapists, unsolicited advice is the number one complaint among adult children. It’s not that you can’t help. It’s that advice, when unasked for, feels like criticism with a makeover.
What to try instead:
Ask if they want your input. “Would you like my take, or do you just need to vent?” Even better, lighten the mood: “I have a few ideas if you want them, but I promise not to turn into Mumzilla.”
When advice is truly needed, frame it as a story about your own life rather than a prescription: “I remember when I had to make a similar choice. Want to hear how I muddled through?”
(Spoiler: They might say no, and that’s fine.)
Keeping the Welcome Mat Out
Nobody gets it right every time. Even the most well-meaning parents say things that clang instead of comfort.
The good news? Connection isn’t about flawless scripts; it’s about intent, humility, and the willingness to try again.
Notice which phrases slip out on autopilot, and experiment with new ways of opening doors, not closing them.
Swap “When are you going to…” for “Tell me about what matters to you right now.” Replace “You never call” with “I love hearing from you.” Trade “You should” for “Do you want my two cents, or just my ear?”
Relationships with adult children are a lifelong improvisation. The music changes, but the dance goes on—awkward shuffles and all.
And if you ever need a little reminder, just picture your grown child scrolling through their phone, smiling at your message instead of dodging your call.
Progress.
