Teen and tween girls: capable of three-hour phone conversations with mates, yet somehow reduced to grunts and eye rolls when Mum or Dad asks, “How was school?”
If you’re wondering whether your daughter’s gone into witness protection or simply discovered the world of adolescent privacy, you’re not alone.
The good news? With a few simple tweaks, you can help those shy or sassy doors swing open—at least enough to glimpse what’s going on inside.
Let’s get into some tried-and-true ways to encourage your daughter to share more, even on your busiest days.
1. Timing Isn’t Everything—But It’s Close
Picture this: You’ve just walked in the door, juggling dinner plans and a phone call from work, and you fire off, “How was your day?”
The odds of a meaningful answer? Right up there with finding a matching sock in the laundry basket.
Catching your daughter at the right moment can make all the difference.
Many girls open up when they feel less like they’re under a spotlight—think car rides, bedtime, or while you’re both chopping veggies (bonus: you get dinner prepped).
Research from the University of Missouri found that “side-by-side” activities (rather than direct face-to-face conversations) encourage tweens and teens to share more about their lives (source).
No need to go full therapist—just try a walk around the block, or even folding laundry together. The less formal, the better.
2. Ask Real Questions (And Actually Listen)
The classic “How was your day?” will usually net you a “fine,” “okay,” or if you’re lucky, a sigh. Instead, try questions that require more than a single syllable.
Swap in, “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” or “Who did you sit with at lunch?” Even, “What’s something that surprised you?” can open up conversations.
Once you’ve asked, zip it. Let her fill the silence—even if it’s awkward. Active listening (yes, actually listening instead of planning your response) is gold here.
According to child psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, kids—especially girls—notice when adults are only half-listening, and tune out accordingly (read more here). Nod, murmur encouragement, and resist the urge to solve or critique right away.
3. Keep Your Poker Face
Warning: This one’s tricky.
If your daughter senses that you’ll gasp, rant, or spiral into a Shakespearean monologue at her every confession, she’ll clam up faster than you can say “screen time.”
When she does share—about a friend’s dodgy behaviour, a tricky maths test, or something that makes your parental heart pound—try to keep your face neutral. Or at least less dramatic than a soap opera villain.
That doesn’t mean you can’t show empathy, just try not to overreact. A simple, “That sounds tough. Want to talk more about it?” can be a lifesaver.
Research published by the American Psychological Association suggests that reactions perceived as judgmental or overwhelming make kids less likely to confide again (source).
Afterward, hide in the pantry and let out your feelings into the biscuit tin. Parenting: glamorous as ever.
4. Share a Bit of Your Own Stuff
No, she doesn’t need the details of your office politics (or the story of your Year 10 perm disaster—save that for future blackmail). But offering up a little vulnerability can set the tone for open communication.
Try, “You know, when I was your age, I remember feeling nervous before big tests too,” or, “I used to get left out sometimes, and it stung.”
Self-disclosure, even in small doses, helps kids view you as more relatable and less like a cross between a parole officer and a motivational speaker.
The Child Mind Institute suggests that parents who share their own ups and downs encourage their children to open up about theirs (see their advice here).
Just keep it balanced—if you’re monologuing while she’s reaching for her phone, reel it in.
5. Make Space for the Small Stuff
To her, “small stuff” might look like endless chat about Minecraft builds, a school project on the digestive system, or what the cat did while you were out. That’s not filler—it’s the training ground for bigger conversations.
If you make time for the little things (the daily download of who-said-what at school), she’ll trust you with the big ones later.
Psychologists call this “low-stakes chatter,” and it’s essential for building trust (learn why here).
Resist the urge to tune out or give the “uh-huh” treatment. You don’t have to be fascinated by slime videos or Year 8 science, but showing genuine interest goes a long way.
Confession: There may be days when you deserve an award for pretending to care about Roblox. That’s just part of the parenting contract.
6. Give Her Privacy—But Keep Showing Up
Every girl needs some privacy. The urge to retreat to her room, earbuds in, is biologically wired (and honestly, haven’t we all wanted to do the same after a long day?).
Respecting her space doesn’t mean absence. It’s about finding ways to be present without hovering.
Pop a cuppa in her room and say nothing about the unwashed mugs. Invite her to join you for a walk, but don’t force it if she’s not up for it.
According to experts at Raising Children Network, consistent parental presence, even in the background, reassures teens they’re supported whether or not they’re talking (see their guide). Sometimes, just being there is enough.
If she’s quiet, don’t panic. The door swings back open eventually—usually when you’re least expecting it, like during the ad break of your favourite show.
7. When You’re Worried, Get Support—And Be Honest
Sometimes, the silence isn’t typical teenage withdrawal—it’s something heavier. If your daughter’s mood shifts dramatically, she pulls away from all friends and family, or you notice signs of distress, trust your gut.
Be honest: “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed down lately, and I’m worried. Want to talk, or should we find someone else you feel comfortable with?”
Framing the conversation with concern (not accusation) can make a world of difference.
It’s never “going behind her back” to seek help if you’re truly worried about her wellbeing. Reach out to your GP, her school counsellor, or a trusted therapist (here’s a useful starting point).
Sharing your worries models healthy help-seeking behaviour—no cape required.
The Magic in the Mundane
Unlocking your daughter’s inner monologue doesn’t require a parenting degree or psychic powers—just patience, empathy, and the occasional bribe of takeaway chips.
Some days you’ll get a wall of silence, others you’ll get an avalanche of chat about teachers, friends, or obscure TikTok trends.
Celebrate the small moments of connection. Keep showing up, keep listening, and know that every “meh” response is one step closer to an “Actually, can I talk to you about something?”
And if all else fails, car rides are undefeated. Just don’t ask too many questions, or she’ll suspect you’ve been reading this on the sly.
