Nothing strikes fear in a parent’s heart quite like the sound of siblings at each other’s throats.
The shrieks, the stomping, the door slamming that rattles the windows—if only it could be bottled and sold as a home security system.
For most parents, sibling rivalry is as familiar as mismatched socks and mysterious sticky patches on the floor.
But while a bit of harmless bickering is as old as the hills (ask Cain and Abel, or the Gallagher brothers), some missteps can seriously fracture sibling bonds.
Here’s what to keep an eye out for if you’d much rather your kids share secrets than wage endless wars.
1. Playing Favourites
Even the most well-meaning parent can fall into the trap. Maybe one child is easier at bedtime, or another never forgets to empty the dishwasher.
Suddenly, you find yourself giving out a few extra cuddles, more relaxed bedtimes—perhaps a bigger slice of cake (we’ve all been there).
The trouble is, kids notice. Every time.
Studies like this one show that perceived favouritism can breed resentment not just between parent and child, but between siblings too.
The “golden child” gets isolated, and the “overlooked” sibling becomes the family’s resident grudge-holder.
What helps? Make a conscious effort to praise and celebrate each child’s strengths—preferably out loud and in front of their siblings.
Rotate the little privileges (who gets to sit in the front seat, pick the Friday night movie, or lick the spoon).
If you mess up, a simple apology goes a long way and models lifelong skills for repairing relationships. Your kids might even copy you—imagine!
2. Forcing Constant Companionship
There’s a persistent myth that siblings must always be best mates, sharing everything from socks to secrets.
This is lovely in theory and only works in practice if you live in a children’s book or possibly a 1950s sitcom. In real life? Not so much.
Kids—like adults—need space. Pushing them to always play together, share all toys, or “just work it out” can inflame tempers and breed deep-seated resentment.
Psychologists behind current sibling rivalry research suggest that letting children set boundaries with each other is key to a healthy relationship.
Try a simple tweak: establish ‘alone time’ as a household norm. If someone needs a break, that’s fine!
Respecting their space isn’t a rejection; it’s self-care for small humans. (And possibly the only way you’ll get through a single coffee while it’s still hot.)
3. Comparing Kids
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”—it’s the sort of question that seems harmless, maybe even motivating. Instead, it’s the nuclear option for sibling harmony.
Kids are experts at sniffing out every subtle difference in how they’re treated, and being compared to a sibling makes them feel perpetually ‘less than’.
This dynamic has been shown in studies on sibling comparisons to fuel years of rivalry, self-doubt, and—yep—family therapy bills.
Each child deserves to be seen as their own person, not a pale imitation (or cautionary tale) of their brother or sister.
Shake things up by focusing on individual growth, not sibling benchmarks. Celebrate unique efforts and quirks. (Yes, even if one child’s “quirk” is building elaborate stick forts in the lounge every Tuesday evening.)
Remind yourself and your children that everyone blooms at their own pace, and there are plenty of ways to be wonderful.
4. Making One Child the Referee
Every family has a ‘peacemaker’. The responsible eldest, the diplomatic middle, the chilled-out youngest who just wants to watch Peppa Pig in peace.
It’s easy to lean on whichever child seems calmest to “watch your brother” or “just sort it out, would you?”
Over time, this unofficial role can take a toll.
Relying on one child to mediate or always give in teaches everyone the wrong lessons about conflict and fairness. The referee learns to suppress their own needs, while the others never get a chance to practise compromise or empathy.
Eventually, the referee might feel more like a doormat (or, if they’re clever, a future UN negotiator).
Family therapists recommend sharing out responsibility in age-appropriate ways, but never at the expense of a child’s own emotional needs.
If there’s a squabble, don’t rush to deputise your eldest. Instead, guide both parties through a solution.
Model phrases like “I feel upset when…” or “Can we come up with a fair way?” It takes longer, but the payoff is siblings who learn to see each other as equals—not adversaries or authority figures.
5. Ignoring Underlying Issues
Bickering over the blue bowl? Again? Sometimes sibling spats are about as meaningful as a conversation with your pet goldfish.
But when arguments start to feel relentless or vicious, something deeper could be bubbling away. Stress at school, changes at home, or even chronic jealousy can turn ordinary rifts into full-blown chasms.
Research shows that ongoing, intense sibling conflict might signal underlying anxiety or struggles with self-esteem.
If you find yourself acting as referee every evening or the fights have a nasty edge, it’s time to look past the surface.
Take a step back and offer each child a safe, judgment-free space to talk about what’s really bothering them. Sometimes, simply feeling heard is enough to dial down the drama.
Keep an eye out for patterns—arguments that always crop up after a long day, or when visitors are over. If things feel out of your depth, don’t hesitate to consult a family therapist for backup.
Building Sibling Bonds That Last
Most siblings will squabble over who gets the last biscuit or who had the remote first. But if you spot patterns like these cropping up, a few tweaks in your approach can make all the difference.
Model the behaviour you’d like to see.
Apologise when you slip up (and you will, because you’re only human). Create space for each child to shine, make mistakes, and sometimes sulk in peace.
If you’re worried, reach out—there’s no shame in getting support. And if your children ever survive a whole afternoon without fighting? Celebrate accordingly.
You’ve just witnessed a small miracle, and possibly avoided the next Gallagher brothers situation.
Family harmony isn’t built overnight or out of thin air. But with a bit of patience, a dollop of humour, and a very large cup of tea, you can keep those sibling bonds ticking along for years to come.
