You can’t always predict what your child will do next—whether it’s smearing yoghurt on the cat or asking you about the meaning of life before sunrise.
What you can control, though, is what comes out of your own mouth.
Words shape the way your child sees themselves, and the world. Especially on the days when patience is in short supply and your coffee is cold.
Here’s where emotional intelligence (the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions and those of others) comes in.
Emotionally intelligent parents know that certain phrases shut kids down, while others help them thrive.
Ready to swap the everyday “oops” moments for something a bit more magical? Here are five things you’ll never hear emotionally intelligent parents say.
1. Stop Crying
It’s tempting, isn’t it? You’re running late, your child’s wailing over a sock seam, and you just want it all to end. “Stop crying!” you bark, as if commanding tears to disappear ever worked on anyone, ever.
The thing is, this phrase teaches children that their feelings are inconvenient or unacceptable.
According to the Child Mind Institute, repeatedly dismissing or shutting down emotions can lead kids to bottle up their feelings or feel ashamed of them.
What starts as “stop crying” can eventually morph into an adult who struggles to know what they feel at all.
Instead, emotionally intelligent parents validate the feeling—even if they don’t love the timing.
Try: “I can see you’re upset. Want a cuddle?” Or: “Crying’s okay when we feel sad or frustrated. Do you want to talk about it, or just sit with me for a minute?”
Acknowledging emotion doesn’t mean handing the TV remote to your child’s feelings. It means saying, “I see you, and you’re allowed to feel.”
That little moment of connection might settle the storm far faster than a command ever could.
2. Why Can’t You Be More Like Your Sister
Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s also the thief of sibling relationships, self-esteem, and your chances of a peaceful dinner.
When children are compared to siblings or friends (“Why can’t you be more like…?”), they get the message that who they are isn’t good enough.
Self-worth takes a hit, resentment flares, and rivalry blooms. Not exactly the vibe you’re going for.
A parenting expert notes that every child’s temperament and strengths differ wildly, even in the same household.
Emotionally intelligent parents resist the urge to compare, even in moments of utter exasperation.
Instead, focus on what your child is experiencing or struggling with. “I noticed you’re finding it tricky to tidy up. Want to try together?” keeps the concern on the task, not on a sibling’s skills.
When you refrain from stacking your kids against each other, you give them the gift of feeling valued, just as they are.
And honestly, you never know—today’s “untidy” child might be tomorrow’s creative genius. Nobody ever said, “If only Picasso had put his crayons away.”
3. You’re Okay, It’s Not a Big Deal
A grazed knee, a broken toy, the end of an ice cream: children experience big feelings over little things, and it’s easy for grownups to forget what that feels like. Enter the classic, “You’re okay, it’s not a big deal.”
The aim is kindness, but the effect? Dismissal. Your child’s feelings don’t shrink just because you wave a magic “it’s fine” wand.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, dismissing feelings doesn’t make them go away; it just teaches children to distrust their own emotions, or that you won’t take them seriously.
Instead, emotionally intelligent parents listen, reflect, and, when possible, empathise. “That looked like it really hurt. Want me to look at it with you?” Or: “It’s rotten when your tower falls over, isn’t it? I’d be upset, too.”
Empathy doesn’t mean wallowing together in the pit of despair—it’s simply meeting your child where they’re at. Showing that you care about what matters to them, even if it seems tiny in your grown-up world.
4. Because I Said So
Classic. Time-honoured. Also: a guaranteed shortcut to eye rolls and power struggles.
When you shut down a question with “Because I said so,” you’re missing a prime chance to encourage curiosity, problem-solving, and trust.
According to child development experts at the University of Michigan, offering simple, age-appropriate explanations helps children learn the ‘why’ behind rules, making them more likely to cooperate—not less.
Emotionally intelligent parents don’t have time for endless debates (who does?), but they know that a little context goes a long way.
Instead of wielding your parental power with a gavel, try: “We’re leaving the park now because it’s nearly dinner and you need some food in your tank.” Or: “You can’t jump off the sofa because you might get hurt, and I’d really hate for you to end up in A&E.”
This doesn’t mean every rule is up for negotiation. It just means your child learns you’re a safe source of answers, not an unyielding wall.
Plus, you’ll be amazed at the conversations that come from tiny questions—just maybe not when you’re desperate for the loo.
5. You Always/Never…
Ever caught yourself blurting, “You always forget your coat!” or “You never listen!”? You’re not alone. Absolutes tend to slip out when we’re tired or frazzled (hello, school run).
Unfortunately, “always” and “never” are rarely true—and usually not helpful. These words label children, boxing them into roles they’ll grow to resent (or, worse, internalise).
According to child psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, children who hear themselves described in constant terms start to believe those labels define them.
Emotionally intelligent parents catch themselves before stepping into the “always/never” trap. Instead, they zero in on the behaviour, not the person.
“You forgot your coat this morning—let’s figure out a way to help you remember it tomorrow.” Or: “I noticed you didn’t listen when I asked you to brush your teeth. Can we try again together?”
This shift opens the door to growth. It also leaves plenty of space for your child to surprise you (just wait for the day they remind you where you left your phone).
For When Words Escape You
Nobody gets it right all the time. Emotional intelligence isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being present—and trying again when your mouth moves faster than your brain.
Next time you’re about to say something from this list, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: “What does my child need from me right now?”
Sometimes it’s empathy, sometimes it’s guidance, and sometimes—let’s be honest—it’s a snack.
Every parent has those moments they wish they could take back. The good news? Kids are amazingly forgiving, especially when you follow up with a hug and a “Sorry about that—long day!”
That’s emotional intelligence in action, and it’s something you can model as easily as you model brushing your teeth (which, by the way, you did remember this morning, right?).
Keep these phrases in your parenting toolkit, and you’ll find connection grows stronger—even on the days when the cat wears yoghurt.
