Parenting with someone you’re no longer partnered with can feel a bit like trying to build Ikea furniture with half the instructions missing.
Some days you manage to cobble together a sturdy bookshelf. Other days, you’re sure you’ve built a time machine because you’ve somehow transported your child straight into the middle of a tiff between you and your ex.
If you’ve got a feeling your co-parent is influencing your child in ways that raise your eyebrows (and maybe your blood pressure), you’re not alone.
Subtle manipulation can sneak in, even with the best intentions. But when these behaviors cross the line, it’s time to take stock.
Here are five signs your co-parent might be stirring the pot a little too much—and what you can do about it.
1. Your Child Returns With a “New” Version of Events
Ever sent your kid off for the weekend, only to have them return with stories that sound suspiciously… edited?
Maybe your “forgotten birthday” suddenly becomes a tale of deliberate abandonment, or the reason you missed a school play is now a headline-worthy scandal.
When a co-parent distorts the truth or tells half-truths, kids are left confused and anxious. You may hear, “Dad said you don’t want to see me,” or “Mum told me you care more about your new partner than me.”
These are classic signs of parental alienation, a phenomenon that researchers have identified as emotionally harmful for children.
Try this at home: When your child shares these stories, keep your cool. Respond with empathy: “That must have felt really awful to hear—can you tell me more about what happened?”
Gently offer your own perspective without blaming the other parent. Your aim is to create a safe space for your child to process their feelings.
2. You’re Suddenly the “Bad Cop”—Every Single Time
Some parents have a knack for painting themselves as the fun, relaxed one, and leaving you with the role of the strict drill sergeant. Rules at your place? Bedtime at 8. At theirs? Midnight, with cake in bed.
You’re not imagining it: studies show that inconsistent parenting styles can fuel conflict and emotional manipulation.
If you’re always the enforcer while your co-parent is the never-say-no superstar, kids can start to see you as the perpetual villain. Cue eye rolls and dramatic sighs every time you ask them to brush their teeth.
Flip the script by involving your child in setting family rules. “What do you think is a fair bedtime?” gives them some ownership—without you needing to be the household dictator.
If you can, discuss major rules with your co-parent and aim for consistency. Yes, texting is allowed. No, chocolate cake for breakfast is not.
3. Your Child Feels Pressured to Pick Sides
Children want to love both parents. When your co-parent makes them feel they have to choose between you, the emotional fallout is real.
You might notice your child is anxious before transitions, reluctant to talk about their time with the other parent, or overly eager to “keep secrets.”
Research into loyalty conflicts shows these situations can leave lasting scars. One day it’s “Don’t tell your dad about our holiday.” The next, it’s, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t want to visit Mum so much.”
Red flag firmly waving.
When you spot this, focus on reassurance and unconditional love. “You never have to pick sides. I’ll always love you, no matter what.”
If your child is old enough, encourage open conversations: “Does anyone ever make you feel like you have to choose between us?” Sometimes, giving things a name takes away their power.
4. Messages Always Go Through the Kids
If your ex seems to have lost the ability to text, email, or send a smoke signal—and instead relays every message through your child—that’s not just lazy.
It’s a classic form of triangulation, and it puts undue pressure on kids to be go-betweens.
Imagine being seven and having to tell Mum, “Dad says you need to send the school forms before Friday.” Not exactly what childhood memories are made of.
Communication should be adult-to-adult.
If this keeps happening, gently tell your child, “Thank you for bringing me the message, but this is something Mum and I should talk about ourselves.” Then, reach out directly to your co-parent.
If you struggle to keep conversations civil, try using a co-parenting app such as OurFamilyWizard or 2houses, which lets you keep everything in one place and reduces the risk of your child being caught in the crossfire.
5. Your Child Expresses Grown-Up Worries That Aren’t Theirs
One day your eight-year-old is worried about school lunches. The next, they’re suddenly anxious about child support payments, custody schedules, or whether you’re secretly dating.
When a child suddenly has opinions or worries that echo your co-parent’s anxieties or grievances, it’s a sign they’re being exposed to adult conversations they shouldn’t be privy to.
Kids may even parrot phrases that are clearly above their developmental pay grade (“Mum says mediation is a waste of time!”). Psychologists warn that burdening children with grown-up concerns can lead to anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues.
Your move? Reassure your child that grown-ups handle grown-up problems. “That’s not something you need to worry about. Dad and I will sort it out.”
If possible, have a calm conversation with your co-parent (deep breaths, maybe a cuppa beforehand) about keeping adult topics between adults. If direct communication feels impossible, consider involving a neutral third party or mediator.
What to Do If You’re Seeing These Red Flags
Spotting manipulation is only half the job. Acting on it—without ending up in a Jerry Springer episode—takes a bit more finesse.
- Document patterns: Keep a simple log of concerning incidents. No need to go full detective, but having a record can help you see trends and back you up if professional support is needed.
- Stay positive: Never badmouth your co-parent in front of your child, no matter how tempting. You’re modeling resilience, maturity, and (yes) a bit of saintly patience.
- Seek support: If you need outside help, trusted friends, family, or a therapist can be a lifeline. If you’re worried about legal issues, consult a family law expert who understands co-parenting disputes.
- Take care of yourself: Parenting is hard enough. Add manipulation to the mix, and you deserve a medal (or at least an uninterrupted cuppa). Prioritise your own mental health.
Raising Resilient Kids When Co-Parenting Gets Messy
Kids don’t need perfect parents—they need grown-ups who put their needs first, even in the trickiest of circumstances.
When you spot manipulation creeping in, remember: your calm, loving presence is the best antidote.
Keep the lines of communication open with your child. Be clear about your love, your values, and your boundaries.
And if your co-parent is setting up an obstacle course, take a breath, phone a friend, and remind yourself: you’re doing the most important job in the world, one day (and one red flag) at a time.
