Parenting tweens and teens sometimes feels like negotiating with tiny, unpredictable CEOs—except the office is your kitchen table and the budget is your patience.
For busy parents, the stakes feel sky-high; every moment seems to teeter between connection and a slammed bedroom door.
Here are five common mistakes parents make with tweens and teens, and some simple strategies for sidestepping them.
1. Talking More Than Listening
Every parent has been there: you start offering a quick bit of advice, and before you know it, you’re giving the kind of lecture that could bore a goldfish.
Tweens and teens are notorious for their eye rolls during such speeches, but here’s the secret—they’re actually craving to be heard.
Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child highlights the importance of responsive relationships for adolescents. Conversations should be two-way streets.
After all, you’re not hosting a podcast—they don’t need a monologue.
Try this: When your child tells you something, fight the urge to interject. It’s not easy.
If you sense a teachable moment, ask, “Do you want advice or just want me to listen?” Wait to see which way the wind blows. Even if their story is rambling, your attention will speak volumes, building trust and respect.
2. Treating Them Like Little Kids (Or Fully Grown-Ups)
It’s tempting to keep thinking of your twelve-year-old as your “baby” or your sixteen-year-old as a mini-adult who should know better. Trouble is, they’re neither.
The adolescent brain is under construction—impressive scaffolding, but still plenty of caution tape.
A study published in Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience explains that teenagers experience bursts of growth in areas related to judgement, self-control, and empathy.
Translation: They need guidance, boundaries, and freedom… all at once. Easy, right?
Set age-appropriate expectations.
Give them room to manage their own calendar, but don’t expect them to remember Auntie’s birthday without a nudge. Trust them with some independence, but don’t hand over the keys to the kingdom.
When you treat them as they are—not as you wish they were—everyone breathes a little easier.
3. Making Technology the Enemy
The sight of a tween glued to a screen can set any parent’s teeth on edge. The temptation to ban everything from Snapchat to smartwatches is high, especially after reading headlines about social media woes.
Still, demonising technology rarely works—and usually leads to some expertly honed sneaky behaviour.
Experts at Common Sense Media remind us that screens are lifelines for social connection, hobbies, and learning. Instead of hard bans, get curious.
Ask what they’re watching, what games they’re loving, which YouTubers are “actually kind of funny.”
Set family guidelines together. Maybe screens go away at dinner or after 9pm.
Bonus: when they catch you scrolling in bed, you’ve got to put your own phone down, too—nothing keeps you honest like a tween on screen patrol.
4. Dismissing Big Feelings
Ever heard, “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not a big deal” slip out when your child is in full meltdown mode over a friendship drama or a missed party? Guilty as charged—we’ve all done it.
Still, your tween’s anguish is just as real as an adult’s heartbreak. Possibly louder.
Psychologist Lisa Damour explains in her New York Times column that adolescents’ emotions tend to be more intense because of ongoing brain changes. They’re not just being dramatic; they’re built this way.
The trick? Validate their emotions, even if you don’t understand them. Try, “That sounds rough. Want to talk about it?” Sometimes their feelings pass quickly once they feel seen.
Sometimes you’ll be asked for snacks instead of solutions. Either way, skip the minimising. Their world might be small, but their feelings are not.
5. Expecting Perfection (From You or Them)
There’s nothing like parenting to highlight every one of your insecurities. The pressure to raise the “perfect” child, while being a “perfect” parent, is enough to make you want to hide in the pantry with the good biscuits.
Tweens and teens need more than a pristine role model. They need to see real humans who apologise, lose it once in a while, and try again. Perfection is a mirage—and chasing it just breeds anxiety for everyone.
According to the Child Mind Institute, teens benefit from seeing parents handle stress and mistakes with self-compassion.
When your child messes up, remind them (and yourself): mistakes are normal.
Use humour, cut yourself some slack, and show them how to recover. “Looks like I forgot about your dentist appointment—let’s reschedule and buy extra toothpaste for good measure.”
Letting go of perfection means your home becomes a safe place to be a work in progress. Isn’t that what we all need?
Small Shifts, Big Impact
Nobody gets through the tween and teen years without a few stumbles. Our job isn’t to avoid every mistake, but to keep learning and laughing alongside our kids.
Next time you catch yourself lecturing or panicking over a missed piano practice, try one of these tweaks.
Sometimes the biggest breakthroughs come from the tiniest changes—and a little empathy (and maybe a secret stash of chocolate) goes a long way.
You’ve got this. Even if your child’s only response is an epic eye roll, trust me: they’re watching, listening, and learning from you.
That’s worth every awkward moment and every slammed door—promise.
