Ever feel like you’re raising your child with a mysterious, invisible co-pilot—one who sometimes grabs the wheel and insists they know a shortcut?
Welcome to the delightful (and occasionally maddening) world of parenting with involved grandparents.
Their support can be a lifeline, but sometimes it feels more like a riptide, pulling your carefully crafted routines straight out to sea.
Here are three classic ways grandparents unintentionally (or, let’s be honest, sometimes very intentionally) throw a spanner in the parenting works, and what you can do about it—without starting World War III over the mashed peas.
1. The Treat Dealer’s Dilemma
There’s a grandparental law, written on tablets somewhere between the Magna Carta and the instruction manual for your pram: “Thou shalt spoil thy grandchildren.” Biscuits before dinner? Just “a little something” at 9 pm?
You’d think sugar was a basic food group according to Nana.
Why do grandparents have such a soft spot for treats? Part of it is nostalgia—they remember giving you the occasional forbidden sweet, and you turned out fine (mostly).
There’s also a splash of guilt for not seeing the grandkids as often as they’d like, plus a dollop of plain old cheeky rebellion. If you say “no chocolate before lunch,” well, that sounds an awful lot like a challenge.
But here’s the rub: persistent treat-giving can sabotage more than mealtime. Research from the British Heart Foundation suggests that children who are regularly indulged by grandparents are more likely to develop unhealthy eating habits.
You end up the household baddie, doling out kale and consequences, while Nan’s approval comes coated in icing sugar.
How can you handle the treat tsunami without wrecking family dinners? Try this: get the grandparents involved in snack planning. Suggest healthy options they can offer (think fruit kebabs or homemade muffins with half the sugar).
Give them a specific “treat time” so they can still play the hero, but in a way that doesn’t have your child bouncing off the walls at bedtime.
Above all, keep it light. “Mum, I’m all for making memories, but can we make them with less glucose?” works better than a sugar-fuelled lecture.
2. The Rule Rewriter
Every parent knows the sting of this one. You’ve spent weeks convincing your child that bedtime is non-negotiable.
Along comes Grandpa, who declares, “When I was your age, I was up till midnight, and look at me now!” (Translation: Sleep is for the weak. Or, at least, for people who aren’t holding their grandchild hostage with an endless storytime.)
Grandparents often feel their job is to be the “fun ones.” And why not? They’re not the ones who have to deal with the sleepy grump at school tomorrow.
Yet, when routines go out the window, you’re the one left picking up the pieces. A study in the journal Child Development found that children thrive on predictability and structure, both for sleep and for learning self-control.
Changing the rules—whether it’s bedtime, screen time, or the “no, you can’t wear your Elsa dress to Tesco” rule—sends mixed messages.
Kids are like tiny solicitors, always searching for loopholes and precedents. “But Grandma said…” becomes the battle cry of every five-year-old in possession of a loving grandparent.
What’s a weary parent to do? Communicate boundaries clearly and early. Before the next sleepover, have a frank (but not accusatory) chat. Try, “Dad, we’ve found bedtime at 7:30 keeps everyone sane—could you help us stick to it?”
If things stray, resist the urge to call it out loudly in front of the kids. A quiet word after the fact, or a quick text, keeps the focus on teamwork rather than courtroom drama.
Sometimes, compromise helps. Is 7:45 a hill you’re willing to die on? If not, let the grandparent have their minor win. If yes, explain why it matters, and back it up with your own rules at home.
Consistency, not perfection, is the goal.
3. The Critic With a Memory Like an Elephant
Nothing keeps you humble quite like your mother-in-law’s casual observation that “In our day, we didn’t need video monitors or toddler music classes, and our children survived.” Or the raised eyebrow when you dare to serve something gluten-free at lunch.
Grandparents carry a suitcase of memories and opinions about how things “should” be done. Sometimes it’s gentle advice (“Have you tried rubbing whiskey on the gums?”), sometimes it’s a full-blown critique (“If you let him cry, he’ll never trust you again”).
For new parents or those already wobbling on the tightrope of self-doubt, these comments can sting.
The trouble is, what worked forty years ago isn’t always best now. Expert guidelines on everything from sleep safety to weaning have changed over time.
For instance, sleeping babies on their backs has dramatically reduced the risk of SIDS—something that simply wasn’t “the way” in previous generations.
What helps here? Try to hear the good intentions underneath the noise. Most grandparents aren’t out to undermine—they’re trying to stay relevant, offer support, or simply reconnect with their own glory days.
Still, you’re entitled to parent your way without running a gauntlet of unsolicited advice.
Deflect with humour when you can. “I know, Mum, you survived lead paint and walking to school uphill both ways. I’m just rolling the dice with the NHS guidelines this time.”
If things get too pointed, set a gentle boundary: “We really appreciate your ideas, but we’re sticking with what works for us.”
If you’re co-parenting, unite as a front. No “good cop, bad cop” from the adults, either—kids pick up on that faster than you think.
Keeping Family Ties Sweet—Not Sticky
Grandparents can be a source of magic, wisdom, and, yes, the occasional sugar rush. The trick lies in keeping those gifts from turning into sources of friction.
Remember, you’re not alone in this tug-of-war over treats, routines, and unsolicited advice.
Millions of parents are right there in the trenches with you, quietly swapping stories about the time Grandma taught their toddler to say “bottom” at the dinner table.
A little kindness, a little humour, and a spot of forward planning can work wonders. Grandparents want to be involved.
With a bit of guidance, they can become your greatest allies—sharing their love and a few biscuits, without rewriting the house rules.
And hey, if all else fails? There’s always earplugs.
Or, failing that, a stiff cup of tea.
