Ah, siblings. Built-in best friends, instant frenemies, expert tattletales.
Just when you think they’re about to hug it out over a shared love of Paw Patrol, someone’s got peas in their hair and World War III is erupting over who got the bigger scoop of ice cream.
Most parents expect a smidge of rivalry, but there are sneaky little triggers that can turn ordinary sibling dynamics into an emotional rollercoaster.
If you ever feel like an underpaid UN negotiator, this list might explain why. And yes, you can do plenty about it.
1. Parental Praise That’s Anything but Equal
“Look at how neatly Olivia made her bed!” you exclaim, as Noah’s pillow fort sags in the corner.
Even the most well-intentioned compliments can backfire. When one child hears a sibling being praised for something they struggle with, it can sting.
According to child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, repeated comparisons—no matter how subtle—can sow the seeds of rivalry faster than you can say “but she’s older.”
Try switching to praise that’s specific and encourages self-improvement: “You both worked so hard on your rooms today,” or “I noticed you really tried to fold your pyjamas this time.”
Keeps things fair, and no one feels like the family underdog.
2. The Great Toy and Tech Divide
Toys, tablets, remote controls—battle lines are drawn over who gets what and when. Younger siblings watching older ones with privileges they haven’t earned? Cue the green-eyed monster.
Researchers at University of Cambridge note that children are hypersensitive to fairness, especially when it comes to prized possessions.
If one child gets more screen time, or a new gadget “because they’re older,” expect fireworks.
Rotating privileges, sharing family tablets, and setting clear, consistent rules for all ages can cut down the drama. And if you ever figure out a fair system for LEGO sorting, do share.
3. Birthday Party Blowups
You’re throwing a princess bash for your youngest, and suddenly your eldest is sulking in the loo. Sound familiar? Special events (birthdays, recitals, sports finals) can be jealousy magnets.
A study in the Journal of Family Issues found that milestone celebrations, if handled clumsily, can leave siblings feeling left out—even when it’s not their day.
Involving siblings in the preparations, letting them hand out cake, or having a tiny surprise for the “non-birthday” child can soften the blow.
It’s not about giving everyone a trophy—just a little nudge to help them feel seen.
4. Sleep Patterns That Favour One Kid
If your eldest gets to stay up an hour later while the youngest is marched off to bed, don’t be shocked when bedtime routines devolve into a protest march.
Kids keep score, especially when it comes to precious minutes with parents after dark.
According to sleep researcher Dr. Jodi Mindell, consistent routines that match developmental needs—but don’t shout “favourite!”—are key.
A creative tweak: let the younger child do a solo storytime with you, even if bedtime is earlier. It’s the quality of the wind-down, not just the clock, that matters.
5. The Myth of the “Easy” or “Difficult” Child
Ever catch yourself thinking (or worse, saying), “She’s my easy one” or “He’s just so stubborn”? Labels stick.
Kids sense who’s been crowned the “golden child” and who’s the “challenge,” and it colours every sibling interaction.
According to parenting expert Janet Lansbury, these labels can pigeonhole children, making one feel like a perpetual winner and the other, well, not.
Children internalise these roles, and then start acting them out.
Try describing behaviour instead of assigning character: “You really persisted with that puzzle!” or “You felt frustrated and let me know.”
It’s about actions, not permanent identities.
6. Family Traditions That Play Favourites
Sunday pancakes with Dad for the eldest, but the youngest gets toast? One child always gets to press the lift buttons, the other never does?
It’s easy to slip into habits that make one child feel a bit left out.
Rituals are comforting, but when they always tilt in one direction, kids notice. Harvard research on family rituals suggests children thrive when they feel securely included in special routines.
Mix things up sometimes. Rotate traditions, or create new ones just for the two siblings together. Bonus: new traditions are excellent bribery for future good behaviour.
7. Handling Misbehaviour Unevenly
One child gets a stern chat for scribbling on the wall; the other gets a “boys will be boys” shrug. Kids have a radar for this sort of thing.
A study in Child Development found that inconsistent discipline between siblings fuels resentment and an ongoing sense of injustice.
Even if you think you’re making allowances for age or temperament, try to keep consequences and expectations as uniform as possible.
If age-appropriate punishments are necessary, explain them clearly—otherwise, you’ll have more than wall scribbles to contend with.
8. Bringing Home the Baby—Again
The arrival of a new sibling is classic jealousy fodder. Suddenly, the older child’s world is upside-down, full of nappies and “use your indoor voice!” reminders.
Research shows that parents often overcompensate with the new arrival, leaving the firstborn to feel like yesterday’s news.
A bit of focused one-on-one time can be a magic balm. Even 10 minutes of undivided attention (no, not while folding laundry) reassures older children that their place in your heart hasn’t been downsized.
9. School and Extracurricular Showcases
Your eldest brings home a glowing maths test, while your youngest is still working on recognising numbers. Sports, music, art—these become prime stages for comparison.
Parents naturally want to cheer on their kids’ achievements, but sometimes siblings hear praise as pressure (or as being overlooked).
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, celebrating effort—rather than outcomes—levels the playing field.
Try “I noticed how much you practiced your scales!” or “It was brave to try out for the team.” This way, everyone’s progress is worth a cheer.
10. Your Own Energy Levels (Spoiler: Kids Notice)
After an exhausting day, it’s tempting to give one child the iPad and lie down, while the other gets a bedtime snuggle (or vice versa). Kids notice your energy allocation, even when you think you’re hiding your tiredness with that extra cup of tea.
Research from Child Mind Institute shows that children unconsciously track parental attention like little accountants. If one child regularly gets more “fun” time with you, the other may feel sidelined.
Even if you’re running on empty, try to split your focus.
A five-minute chat while stacking the dishwasher, or a cuddle while brushing teeth, can reassure both kids that they’re equally cherished—even on days when your patience has packed its bags.
Sibling Jealousy Isn’t a Parent Fail
Every family has its fair share of squabbles and side-eye.
Sometimes, it’s the little things—a stray compliment, an accidental tradition, a difference in how teeth are brushed—that stoke the fires of sibling jealousy.
Awareness is half the battle.
Tweak a few habits tonight, and you might just hear a little less “That’s not fair!” echoing down the hall. Or you might not—but at least you’ll know you’re doing your bit to keep sibling rivalry from ruling the roost.
And who knows? One day, they might even thank you for it. (Probably not until they’re flat-sharing at uni, but a parent can dream.)
